My last blog, discussed how resentment is like an insidious cancer that can spread and painfully deteriorate a relationship. Everyone likely knows at least one couple that has stayed together long past their expiration date. The question is why.
One reason is the fear that, if they leave the relationship, they will never find another partner. As irrational as this belief might be in most cases, a very large number of people do in fact find themselves paralyzed by such a scary idea. Although they may not be actively thinking about it, many people do harbour the underlying fear of dying alone. Because most people cannot handle the extreme discomfort that accompanies this notion, they are driven do whatever they can in order to avoid such a distressing thought. They consequently engage in various conscious or unconscious mental tricks described below to help keep their fears at bay—while staying in a relationship that is not improving in any way and is probably only getting worse. Such is the incapacitating power of a particular type of fear: anxiety.
Anxiety can chain people to partners who are not right for them in other ways. For instance, although someone might not really be happy in their current situation, at least they know what to expect; most people find comfort in the familiar and predictable—even if it is not very healthy—whereas the unknown can create dread, anxiety and other unpleasant mood states. Better the devil you know than risk not being able to find an angel out there. This metaphor is particularly appropriate when considering why so many “good people” stay with even horrible partners.
Those who cannot manage their anxiety adaptively are likely to employ defence mechanisms to protect themselves from psychological or emotional discomfort. Most people who cannot leave an unsatisfying, abusive or otherwise troubling relationship will rationalize their decision to stay: they come up with all kinds of excuses and other distortions of reality to try to convince themselves that they are not making a terrible mistake. For example, they may tell themselves either that things are not as bad as they really are, that they are better off in the relationship, and/or that they cannot leave for various reasons such as children or financial considerations.
This is a very similar process to cognitive dissonance reduction described in my previous blog on irrational voting. That is, many people cannot bring themselves to admit that they made a serious mistake or did something foolish—which is what they are afraid they would be acknowledging if they were to leave their partner. As with the other examples above, those who cannot handle admitting such mistakes are usually strongly motivated to avoid potentially overwhelming anxiety or similar internal discomfort.
The need to convince oneself of the value of remaining in a troubled relationship is particularly powerful for couples who have gone through one or more major incidents where breaking up would have been the most rational option but they stayed together; or, they separated briefly, only to get back together again. For them, terminating the relationship for anything less important may seem impossible. That is, if the relationship withstood a serious crisis, how could they subsequently break up over something so trivial as whatever might be bothering them at the moment? Yet, the reality is that, aside from infidelity, it is usually a build up of the relatively minor annoyances or problems in relationships that cause people to separate—for reasons explained in my last blog.
As a result of their inability to cope with anxiety and associated phenomena, far too many people remain stuck in a relationship that is inevitably draining their inner resources and could be ruining their lives. My next blogs will explore other reasons someone might stay in such a relationship and what can be done to remedy this mentally, emotionally and physically taxing situation.
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