From trade policy to trading vows, Mike and Jodi trade places

Hey there. Don’t tell Mike, but this is his wife, Jodi.

He left his decrepit laptop open (Corus really should buy him a new, insanely expensive one) and I know he wanted to write about NAFTA. He even started the column with that headline before I made him run some errands. My husband is such an economics geek.

As a former Playboy model and U.S. Navy Top Gun who met Mike late one night after he cleaned out the $100 blackjack table at Caesars Las Vegas, I understand his passion for the dry, insufferable world of international trade policy.

Speaking of trade, I thought Mike and I could swap places this week. Instead of NAFTA, I thought you’d all want to read a comment on what really matters in this beautiful month of May: The Royal Wedding.

I have always adored the pageantry of a Royal Wedding and this Saturday’s event at The Holy How’s Your Father Church in London will be another glorious reason to wake up at 3 a.m. to witness the bonding of two people I don’t know.

I mean, I feel like I know them. Prince Brian and his lovely actress-fiancee Laurie (she portrays Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory) seem like friends to me, courtesy of the in-dept, non-partisan pages of Hello magazine. Do you remember Hello‘s special issue on the Royal Family? I do. Usually, Hello magazine is all about monster trucks and gory cinema. It was nice to see Hello focus on the struggles of an everyday family like the Royal Windsors for once.

4:36 Hosting a Royal Wedding inspired tea party

WATCH ABOVE: Hosting a Royal Wedding inspired tea party

I was a PhD student in cybernetics at MIT when Charles and Daphne married in … heck, was it all the way back in 2002? I skipped my 8 a.m. class on perceptual theory to watch two people in love begin a journey that could never have an unhappy ending.  That bond begat Prince Malcolm, second in line to the throne and, of course, Brian, who will be the handsome groom this weekend. I can still remember their handwritten vows: both quoting from the Beastie Boy’s iconic Licensed to Ill album and its romantic ballad, “Girls.”

Prince Charles: “I asked her, ‘Please’? She said, ‘You may.'”

Lady Daphne: “I like the way that you walk. And it’s chill to hear you talk.”

They even, if I recall, were married by super-producer, the Right Rev. Rick Rubin, and the reception was sponsored by Def Jam, and there was a chocolate fountain and disposable cameras at every table. Well worth the early alarm!

Shoot, I can hear Mike’s car in the driveway. I have to hurry here.

Many people have suggested these royal weddings are the equivalent of watching thoroughbred racehorses being matched up with fertile stablemates in the hope they will breed and propagate the royal bloodline. I have a much more romantic take on the process. I see it as more of a joining of two souls 3,500 kilometres away, streamed into my home via satellite with a minimum of commercial interruptions. Like the Ali/Fraser fights on ABC in the 1970s, only without Howard Cosell and all the blood and towelling down.

So, this Saturday morning, I will be awake bright and early with a hot cup of tea, toast and jam on a plate, a pile of successful law school acceptance letters, a winning Lotto Max ticket, television tuned to the coverage on Global Television, and a smile on my face.

4:23 Throwing the perfect royal wedding party at home

WATCH: Throwing the perfect royal wedding party at home

It’s not every day a redheaded rapscallion falls in love with a beautiful woman from a dysfunctional family, except maybe the first season of Homeland. My major organs — liver, lungs, and lymphatic system — will be in Toronto, but my heart will be watching these two wed on a weekend morning in Detroit’s Delta City (an Omni Consumer Products project).

Shoot, Mike’s just walked in. And he forgot the latest issue of Hello, I’ll bet.

Jodi’s husband, Mike Stafford, is co-host of The Morning Show on Global News Radio 640 Toronto.