There is lots of advice available for public consumption when it comes to dating and one popular way to consume this advice is through the app TikTok — but experts agree that not all the advice is good and it can actually be harmful when it comes to finding love.
The app is full of people sharing their opinions on what’s wrong with dating nowadays, with many sharing a list of “red flags to look out for.” But some argue these so-called “red flags” are just part of who somebody is and it doesn’t mean they are undateable or toxic.
“I see a few good advice tips, but some of them are bad,” said TikTok user Josh Newell.
“I’m not affectionate at all and a lot of people that I’ve seen on TikTok will see that as a red flag. ‘Oh, he doesn’t hug you. He doesn’t, like come up and just randomly give you a kiss or something like that. That’s a huge red flag.'”
“It’s probably hard if we create and we stick too rigidly to rules like that, we might miss the person and meeting, encountering them and understanding who they are,” said Winnipeg psychotherapist Alan Vanderwater.
Some examples of these rules and red flags TikTok posts tell you to look out for are:
- a man not paying for a date
- taking too long to respond to texts
- moving too fast
- moving too slow
- being way too nice
- being overly affectionate
- not being affectionate enough
- talking about past relationships
- not being close with family
- being too close with family
Professionals have noticed a trend with people thinking their partners are narcissists, as well as an abundance of identifying tips available on TikTok.
“The idea that other people or everybody who you’re in a relationship with, where the relationship doesn’t work out, is the narcissist is becoming very common,” said Dr. Syras Derksen, Winnipeg psychologist.
“I’m hearing it in my office all the time, ‘My partner is a narcissist,’ or ‘I’m concerned that my partner is a narcissist.'”
Vanderwater has also seen a rise in people identifying their partners as narcissists.
“I really will see cases of even, you know, adults who’ve been married for many years coming into my office and saying that they have realized, discovered or identified that their spouse is a narcissist.”
Narcissism in its most basic definition is a person who has an extreme sense of self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them. It is a personality disorder and according to Vanderwater, suffered by about one per cent of the population.
“We have to consider the source and consider other alternatives,” Vandewater said of tagging someone as a narcissist.
“It’s probably best to think about that as a human trait rather than something that’s just sort of this kind of thing that some people just have and other people don’t.”
“The propensity for us to be self-interested or sometimes lacking empathy or thoughtfulness about another person, even to feel perhaps special or entitled – some of these things can happen and express themselves in our own lives as well as in the lives of somebody we’re intimately trying to negotiate.”
While instances of narcissistic personality disorder do play a role in relationships, it is highly unlikely for everyone’s ex to have been one. Relationships don’t work out for a multitude of reasons and one of those reasons is a lack of communication regarding needs in a relationship, according to experts.
“Any time you run into something that doesn’t go your way, it can feel like the other person is only concerned about themselves and isn’t concerned about you in the relationship,” said Derksen.
“Oftentimes when I’m helping people or helping couples, you’re looking at kind of improving their ability to communicate or improving their ability to connect, working through misunderstandings, helping them to get to a deeper feeling, and oftentimes when people get to those places, those theories around narcissism do seem to fade.”
Lianne Tregobov, owner and intuitive matchmaker at Camelot Introductions, agrees that concerns over narcissism are overblown.
“There certainly are plenty of narcissists out there. But no, not everybody’s a narcissist and I think it takes a skilled individual to diagnose someone as a narcissist,” said Tregobov.
“There are many, many facets to meeting the right person. You can have a non-negotiable list and a negotiable list, and then you meet in the middle.
“We’re not spitting these people out from a 3D printer. These are human beings, and everybody’s going to have a little bit of this and a little bit of that.”
The rise of dating apps has caused people to overanalyze every action and interaction as there is a big element of danger and risk when using the sites and people often get treated like they are disposable, Tregobov said
“I can’t imagine being presented on a platter and someone saying no, next, next, next.”
“How many times can someone’s self-esteem tolerate that? And I think it just brings out the cruelty and people where they think individuals are disposable and they can just treat them that way.”
“You can hide behind a screen and then you can peek around the corner and maybe meet the person. But a lot of this is a game for people.”
Additionally, the apps offer no sense of security as you never truly know who you are talking to or who you are about to meet, which can lead to people ghosting or calling it off the second they begin to feel uncomfortable. Or worse, it can lead to a person being scammed.
Tregobov’s matchmaking service looks to eliminate this element by running criminal background checks on their clients and getting to know who their clients are.
Additionally, dating apps have given people the opinion that there may be someone better out there for them, she said.
“We can get seduced into just even unhappiness or ungratefulness about our relationship or the curiosity of ‘if the grass is greener, what else may be out there for us?'” said Vanderwater.
“The people who really discover a gratifying, satisfying relationship learn to take care of the needs and the beauty and the set of affection and taking care of each other’s needs, and that doesn’t just look to self-interest only.”
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