Nova Scotian mother who lost her son wants to destigmatize suicide

Warning: This story contains content that may be disturbing to some readers. Discretion is advised. 

The Mental Health & Addictions Provincial Crisis Line can be reached at 1-888-429-8167. More resources are listed below.

It’s been 15 years since Carol Rolfe-Higney lost her 19-year-old son, Adam Cashen, to suicide and since then, she has been a staunch advocate for mental health.

In the wake of the bewildering suicide of Stephen (tWitch) Boss, the DJ on Ellen DeGeneres’s show, Rolfe-Higney felt compelled to share her story in hopes of destigmatizing suicide and mental health struggles.

“I wanted to bring to light the impact of the death by suicide has on not only that person who passed, but their friends, their community. And to properly educate, to try and reduce stigma associated with mental illness caused by a brain dysfunction.”

She says she was recently triggered reading comments online about Boss — ones that she said she read years ago about her own son. The “internet trolls” speaking about the act of suicide being selfish and the shock expressed by the public of an individual who seemingly “has it all” dying from suicide has made her want to speak of the many faces mental health can take on.

“When a suicide happens in our community or globally from somebody as Twitch or Robin Williams or (Anthony) Bourdain, I think what it does is it makes a lot of people question why and I hope today I can shed some light on why and how we can properly talk about it and offer help to others,” she says.

Rolfe-Higney says Adam was “one of the most popular kids in school.”

“He was handsome, athletic, full of life, the life of the party and the person that you would least expect would die from suicide,” she told Global News.

In hindsight, she says she can now see some signs that would lead her to believe that Adam was struggling with mental illness, but he suffered internally.

“On the outside, he put on a good front. A really good front.”

Brad Rowe, the operations manager at Healthy Minds Cooperative, a peer-led and member-driven co-operative charity committed to improving the lives of people with mental health challenges, says the pressure put on men to outwardly “seem tough” is damaging and dangerous.

“There’s an expectation that men are supposed to be strong, even in the 21st century, men aren’t taught how to express emotions. That ‘man up, suck it up, be a man, boys don’t cry,’ all those things that seem incredibly archaic are very much alive right now,” says Rowe.

Rowe adds that oftentimes the signs that someone may be struggling with mental health or suicidal ideation may go unnoticed and recommends having candid conversations with loved ones if you notice a change in behaviour, moodiness or irritability.

“If your daughter who is normally a soccer fanatic didn’t want to watch the World Cup and is completely uninterested in it, that should be something that stands out.”

Warning signs of suicide

Warning signs that might suggest someone is at risk of suicide include:

• thinking or talking about suicide
• having a plan for suicide

Other signs and behaviours that might suggest that someone is at risk of suicide include:

• withdrawal from family, friends or activities
• feeling like you have no purpose in life or reason for living
• increasing substance use, like drugs, alcohol and inhalants
• feeling trapped or that there’s no other way out of a situation
• feeling hopeless about the future or feeling like life will never get better
• talking about being a burden to someone or about being in unbearable pain
• anxiety or significant mood changes, such as anger, sadness or helplessness

Rowe says having candid conversations surrounding suicidality and outwardly asking if someone is suicidal can be a relief for someone suffering with intrusive thoughts.

“The relief that I can share this with somebody and that somebody actually does care.”

How to help someone in crisis

Talking honestly, responsibly and safely about suicide can help you determine if someone needs help. If you want to help someone in crisis, try:

• listening and showing concern
  • showing concern can be an immediate way to help someone
  • listening won’t increase the risk of suicide and it may save a life
• talking with them and reassuring them that they’re not alone
• letting them know you care
• connecting them with a:
  • crisis line
  • counsellor
  • trusted person (neighbour, friend, family member or elder)

“A person who is suicidal is irrational at the time. And what they’re thinking is that people are better off without them. They are actually not selfish they are thinking of others. And who are we to judge?” says Rolfe-Higney.

She wants to continue the conversations surrounding mental health and continue to educate the public on appropriate language.

“Somebody did not commit suicide. They died by suicide or from suicide. And so, changing the language is our very first step, being kind to others and being kind to ourselves.

“This is no different than brain cancer. It’s no different than Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s affects our brain, and it affects how we present ourselves. It’s the same with a brain disorder. Your brain is sick. It is not something that you have to feel bad about that you can’t control your emotions. There are answers for it. It may take time to find them. It may take the proper resources. Sometimes it’s from addictions. Sometimes it’s from head trauma. It may be unresolved childhood trauma. But there is hope and there is help.”

Anyone experiencing a mental health crisis is encouraged to use the following resources:

• Mental Health & Addictions Provincial Crisis Line: 1-888-429-8167
• Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868 (toll-free) Available 24/7 or Text CONNECT 686868
• Emergency: 911
• Website for Nova Scotia Mental Health & Addictions 
• Communities Addressing Suicide Together (CAST) resource hub