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The absent-minded doctor, while doing his rounds, went into the hospital room to talk with his patient. The doctor picks up his patient’s chart to record his patient’s progress and pulls his thermometer out of his pocket. He looks at the thermometer and grunts, “Oh, shoot! Some bum’s got my pen, again!” — Deanne
—
There were three ladies in the Old Age Home who were looking to catch the eyes of three old men at the Home.
They decided to put on their Sexiest evening gowns and strut by the men, but as they walked by they heard nothing, so onto plan B.
Next they decided to walk by in their house coats, slightly opened. Still no response.
Then it was down to their lingerie, for sure the men would notice now, but again no response.
Finally frustrated they decided to walk by with nothing on. Excited that this would get the men’s attention they walked on by, and as they did they heard a response.
One of the men said to another,” I don’t know what those ladies are wearing today, but it sure need a good ironing." — Cory
—
Teacher to class: What's the difference between ignorance and indifference ?
Billy the trouble maker: I don't know and I don't care . — Terry
—
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: It didn't have the guts to!
Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: He wanted to make a clean get away!
— Paul
—
A Newfie – let’s call him Kenny, driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The Office approaches Kenny’s car and asks him what on Earth he was doing! Kenny tells his story of the trees in the road when the Officer stops him mid-sentence and says……..
“˜Fer Heavens’s sakes, Kenny!
That’s yer air freshener!!!!
— Pat
—
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous Destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'
— K. Harris
—
A man and his wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem
While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband "You can have her shipped home for $5000.00 or
You can bury her here in the Holy land for $ 150.00"
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked; "Why would you spend $5000.00 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried in the Holy Land and it was only going to cost $150.00.
The husband replied "Long ago, a man died here, and they buried him here, apparently three days later he rose from the dead and I can’t take that risk. — Jennifer
—
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!' — Jennifer
—
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not
wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum
of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child If she
stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support
until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card
today .' he said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later,'
She did, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce. –Jeff and Nancy
—
What time do ducks wake up in the morning? At the Quack of dawn. — Danny
—
A Grade 2 student was asked to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. He wrote "I have a jacket with nine buttons, but I can only fasten eight." — Laura
—
Helping my wife sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, our six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's this?" she asked.
"It's a garter belt," my wife said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, she added, "It's for holding up stockings."
"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we'll use it next Christmas Eve." — Bruce
—
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.' — Ken
—
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement — not even her parent's nasty divorce
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best Dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new Young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm Wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the
Other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear.
I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.
— Stephanie
—
An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes gave out. "What should I do?" she cried. "Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap." — Kristyn
—
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. — Eugenie
—
"My brother is so dumb…. he thinks bipolar is a large, white bear that swings both ways." — Theresa
—
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?", asks Holmes.
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, it means someone has stolen our tent!" — Kevin
—
Two old ladies were talking after church one Sunday.
Thelma said to Gertrude – That sermon was so long my bottom went to sleep!
Gertrude replied – Yes I know – I heard it snore two times!!! — Avril
—
Woman goes to the doctor and asks how much for a breast implant, the doctor looks and says,"Well… your looking at about 2 grand a side, "Oh" says the woman, "Is there a cheaper way " she asks. The doctor thinks about and says " Actually there is,if you put toilet paper between your breasts and rub them together 2 or 3 times a day they should grow."
The woman says, "Really you think that will work" ?
The doctor says " Well it worked on your butt didn't it." — Dan
—
What comes after two days of rain in Vancouver? …………… Monday! — Stephen
—
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way, 'the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.' — Susanne
—
Two American tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Shubenacadie (shoe-been-ack-id-dee), they
started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee.
Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are… ver-r-ry slo-o-owly?'
The waitress leaned over the counter and says,
'Tiiimmmmm Hoo rrrrttooonnns'
—
An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." — Bruce
—
Mahatma Ghandi was always going on various hunger strikes, and an unfortunate side effect of this is terrible breath. As a result no one would ever want to give him a lift anywhere. So he was always having to walk places, which gave him terrible calluses on his feet, poor guy. But if you think about it… he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis. – Faye
—
Paddy is driving through the very busy downtown Saturday evening and cannot find a parking. He drives around, and around, and nothing. So he makes a plea: "Dear god, please help me find a parking, I promise in return I will go to the church every Sunday morning for the rest of my life." Suddenly, an empty parking spot appears in front of him. "Never mind, I found one". – Monika
—
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening… red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? – Jim
—
A couple of British Columbian hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?” – Jayne
—
Did you hear about the streaker they caught in the church? The priest caught him by the organ.
– Robert
—
Q. What's the similarity between a man and a linoleum floor?
A. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next 20 years and you won't have any problems with them. – Jacquie
—
A young blonde woman was driving through Cameron Louisiana while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, 'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!' — Paul and Jan
—
A Canadian man left the snowy streets of Winnipeg for a vacation in Florida. His wife had to work, but would be meeting him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. However, he couldn't find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, so he decided to try to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had just passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fainted. At the sound her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just checked in. Everything is ready for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here! — Wing
—
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his
bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?' – Wanda
—
Two rednecks were looking at a Sears Catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this
catalog? 'The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And
look at the price!' The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they
aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one!' The second one
smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as
beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive
that girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' The second redneck replies,
'No, but it shouldn't be long now, I got her clothes yesterday!!!!!!' – Trista
—
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of
you have forgiven your enemies?'
About 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?' The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the nasty critters." – Linda
—
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.” – Emma
—
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .' – Dorothy
—
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So the vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?” says the man, “because he's cross-eyed?"
"No” says the vet, “because he's really heavy" – Sean
—
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack then sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written from his wife in red lipstick with little hearts and a kiss mark on it: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is delicious breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son…What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, Jack asks his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, your mother loves me, breakfast is on the table waiting for me…?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS — Beth
—
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well…I'm fortunate to have a few friends who have chemical engineering backgrounds, and one of
the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, bourbon, and martinis into urine. And, we're pretty damn good at it
too!! — Keith
—
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain. – Bonnie
—
What do you call cheese that's not yours? …. nacho cheese!!!! – Simon
—
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for
half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him,
grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy
with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'
The poor little guy starts crying.
'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I
didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between
sobs. 'I can't do anything right.''I overslept and was late to an
important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I
left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with
the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work
up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and
drink the damn poison.
– Christopher
—
Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in the genes – Kyle
—
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the Ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.' – Daniel
—
How do you know which end of the worm is its head?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs – Cynthia
—
What to pirates eat with their fish and chips?
Taarr-Taarr Sauce. – Randi
—
The young man from Newfoundland came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?
' The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.' – Claude
—
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her.
Talk to her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her.
Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Please her.
Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Buy her nice things. Respect her.
Tell her you love her. Write love letters to her. Console her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring food. Don't block the TV. – Laurie
—
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" – Heather
—
3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?
The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say … Look, He's Moving! – Heather
—
A blonde walks into a clinic and says to the doctor i hurt everywhere I touch.I touch my arm it hurts, I touch my leg it hurts, I touch my shoulder it hurts.I touch my face it hurts… whats wrong with me?
The doctor replies you have a sore finger. – Vern
—
A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"!!!!!!!!!!!!
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."!!!! – Kris
—
Can you tell me the dIfference between an outlaw and an inlaw? The outlaw is wanted, inlaws not so much! – Robert
—
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer:
Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change. – Jayne
—
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really furious.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday. – Jason
—
4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home.
About then an old Grandpa walked in.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & undershorts & we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison–'We were at your birthday party yesterday!' – Paul
—
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through the park…
One was a salted. – Jason
—
Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctors?
A: Because he felt crumby – Hilary
—
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.' – Keith
—
Question: Why do men wear socks at home?
Answer: When they miss the toilet bowl, they can wipe the floor with the feet. – Jae
—
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling of expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 and ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts…….
"Broccoli – 49 cents a pound!" – Warren
—
Q.What is 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. MONEY – Julie
—
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'
'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
'Well, ' said the e boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.
'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'
'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.'
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.'
Women can be so cruel! – Will
—
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered – "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago. – Taylor
—
Granddad was going on and on about to the kids about the good old days, specifically the lower cost of living.
He told them "When I was a kid, my mom would send me to the store. I'd get a ham, two pints of milk, six oranges, two loaves of bread, and a magazine, all for a quarter.”
“Really?” the youngest boy asked.
“Yep” Granddad responded “But you can't do that anymore. They've got those darn video cameras everywhere!" – Sandra
—
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing, he won’t come anyways. – Mikel
—
A piece of string walks into a bar, hops up on a barstool and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here", so the string leaves and thinks how to disguise himself.
He scuffs himself up, wriggles around and puts a twist in his middle and goes back in.
Again the bartender says "get out, you're that piece of string" so, the string leaves, messes up his hair and goes back in.
The bartender says "you look familiar, aren't you that string?"
Nope, I'm a frayed knot. – Terrence
—
1) Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Because he was a party pooper.
2) Why did the runner quit the race against Bigfoot?
He couldn't face defeet!! – Richard
—
Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them slow-i-canes. – Arlene
—
If you're American before you go to the bathroom and you're Canadian when you come out of the bathroom, what are you in the bathroom?
European! – Lara
—
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!" – Richard
—
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good … mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother." – Ron
—
Here's a cute joke that my great-grandaughter, Taylor Miller, told me this summer .. How do you make a kleenex dance? … put a little boogie in it. – Ray
—
Did you hear about the dog that limped into the saloon and said " I'm here to find out who shot my paw.” – Heather
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