November 27, 2013 6:08 pm
Updated: November 28, 2013 12:44 pm

40 of the funniest cracks about Toronto mayor Rob Ford


ABOVE: Watch highlights of the late night shows’ coverage of Rob Ford.

TORONTO — Several days have gone by without a shocking revelation about Mayor Rob Ford, a bizarre outburst or a new display of erratic behaviour — resulting in a dearth of Ford cracks on late night television.

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Sure, we’ll always have the Rob Ford parody movie trailer and the Saturday Night Live sketch to laugh at — but the nightly jabs at the leader of Canada’s biggest city gave us a reason to stay up late.

READ MORE: Stars read Rob Ford’s words

“They can laugh at me all they want,” Ford has said. “They don’t know Rob Ford.”

So, with a hint of nostalgia, here’s a compilation of some of the best jokes and one-liners about Toronto’s embattled mayor:

“Apparently there’s a huge crack problem in Toronto. Luckily it’s just confined to the mayor’s office.”

– Jay Leno, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

“I like the fact that he said he did smoke crack but he was in a drunken stupor at the time. In all fairness, he only drinks when he’s on acid. And he only takes acid after he’s strangled a hooker.”

– Gilbert Gottfried, on The Morning Show

“They’re calling this guy the most embarrassing Ford since the Pinto. And he’s also going to explode.”

– Jay Leno

“He said now’s the time to get back to work. I thought, yeah you have to get back to work to buy crack. Crack doesn’t buy itself.”

– Gilbert Gottfried

“At the end of the meeting the city council voted 37 to five to ask Mayor Ford to step down. The five council members who voted against were Rob Ford, his brother Doug, a crack dealer and two hookers.”

– Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Kimmel Live

“Rob Ford, the mayor of Toronto, who was recently caught smoking crack, has now been uninvited to the city’s Christmas parade. Ford said, ‘Too bad, I was going to bring the best snow.'”

– Conan O’Brien, Conan

“Now they’re trying to force him to take a leave of absence while they figure this all out. When asked what he would do with his time off, he [said], ‘Probably smoke crack.'”

– Jimmy Fallon, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

“Toronto mayor Rob Ford said in an interview this week that he would have admitted to smoking crack sooner if anyone had asked him the question ‘Have you smoked crack?’ rather than ‘Do you smoke crack?’ And much sooner if anyone had simply asked, ‘Would you like some crack?'”

– Cecily Strong, Saturday Night Live

“The mayor of Toronto Rob Ford has lost some of his powers. So, apparently, he’s snorting kryptonite, too, I guess.”

– Jay Leno

“During a Toronto city council meeting in which members stripped Rob Ford of most of his powers, the controversial mayor charged the gallery and ran over a female council member — before he was finally brought down by the third dart.”

– Cecily Strong

“Toronto city council has voted to drastically reduce Mayor Rob Ford’s powers. They say this reduces him to a mere figurehead, which still sounds better than crackhead.”

– Jay Leno

“We have reduced councillors’ budgets by $6.4 million in the last three years. And even more in the last three days.”

– Mayor Rob Ford, during a speech at Casa Loma

“Toronto City Council yesterday stripped him of his powers — whatever they are besides staying fat while smoking crack — because they found out that he was at a party recently where he did cocaine, vodka, OxyContin and apparently was cavorting with a prostitute. Rob Ford, always defiant [said] ‘Stop attacking my integrity! Anybody who knows me will tell you I am too s***faced to get it up.'”

– Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher

“In open court [U.S. congressman Trey Radel] admitted he is an alcoholic and pled guilty to possession of cocaine. The judge sentenced him to four years as mayor of Toronto.”

– Jay Leno

“In an interview earlier this week, Mayor Ford said he is finished with alcohol and will never drink again. That’s what he said. Friends are telling him to join the Canadian version of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is AA, eh.”

– Jay Leno

“Rob Ford doesn’t look to me like a guy who’s using crack. Looks like the only substance he is abusing is bacon.”

– David Letterman, The Late Show with David Letterman

“Rob Ford said today he will continue to fight for the little guy. Have you seen the size of Rob Ford? I don’t think he’s seen his little guy in a long, long time.”

– Jay Leno

“He claims he quit drinking after having a ‘come-to-Jesus moment.’ Turns out Jesus is just the name of a Mexican drug dealer he knew. Have you seen this guy, though? It looks like he had a come-to-Buddha moment.”

– Arsenio Hall, The Arsenio Hall Show

“After he admitted to smoking crack while in office, they gave him his own TV show. And I guess his TV show was cancelled this week after just one episode because it takes too much time to produce. When he heard that, Ford said ‘I know something that can make it go a lot faster.'”

– Jimmy Fallon

“The reference [to the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait] may be dated but in Rob Ford’s defence, it may be one of the last things he remembers.”

– Jon Stewart, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

“The mayor said he’s considering rehab. You’ve heard of the Betty Ford clinic? This is the Sweaty Ford clinic.”

– Jay Leno

“In an interview with Fox News, the mayor said he works out two hours a day. Two hours a day? Well no wonder he’s in such great shape. He’s drinking the other 22 hours.”

– Jay Leno

“Apparently the crack-smoking mayor of Toronto has done it again. Here’s the sentence I’m assuming does not follow that sentence: ‘Saves the day.'”

– Jon Stewart

“The Toronto city council has been stripping the mayor of his powers because no one has a sense of humour anymore. One of the only powers the mayor has left is the ability to represent the city at official functions. That’s the one I would be worried about.”

– Jimmy Kimmel

“After he admitted to smoking crack, Ford is now threatening to sue his former staffers for saying he once hired a prostitute. Ford was like, ‘That is lie, I did it way more than once.’ No, actually, he did say that he never hired a prostitute and then he added, ‘I tend to blackout when I’m really high, so who knows? Maybe I did.'”

– Jimmy Fallon

“In a stunning announcement, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford [said] he wants to be Canada’s next prime minister. If there was anyone qualified for the highest office in the land, it’s the highest mayor in the land.”

– Jay Leno

“Here’s the greatest part of this story. Mayor Ford and his brother Doug got their own TV show. It premiered earlier tonight. Isn’t that unbelievable? Finally, a TV show with people on it with less talent than the Kardashians.”

– Jay Leno

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford showed up at a Canadian Football League game yesterday even though both teams asked him not to come. Even worse, Ford upset everybody, [and] the referees had to reprimand him, because he snorted the 50-yard line.”

– Arsenio Hall

“The truth is that man is so messed up if he didn’t have family and money, he would probably be on the streets barking at parking meters.”

– Rick Mercer, The Rick Mercer Report

“[Ford] denied claims that he offered to give a female staff member oral sex claiming he’s happily married and ‘got more than enough to eat at home.’ Though after that press conference I’m betting the kitchen’s closed.”

– Cicely Strong

“Ford signed limited edition bobblehead dolls of himself [at] city hall. Interesting fact, bobble head is one of the side effects of smoking crack.”

– Seth Myers, Saturday Night Live

(Suggested names for Ford’s TV show:) “How about 30 Rocks? How about 2 Broke Crack Pipes? Big Bong Theory? How could they pass this up — How I Met Your Hooker.”

– Arsenio Hall

“Whoa, what, what, whaat, whaaaat?! Somewhere in a basement, through his tears, Anthony Weiner is going ‘what the f***’?”

– Jon Stewart

“Rob Ford is like your drunk uncle that is fun but you’re just getting old enough to realize why your parents never let him take you anywhere by himself.”

– Jimmy Kimmel

“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said he wants to run for re-election. Of course, that could just be a pipe dream.”

– Jay Leno

“After admitting he smoked crack, Mayor Ford said he bought illegal drugs. Of course, Americans are shocked. A politician who purchases something with their own money? That would never happen down here.”

– Jay Leno

“Rob Ford and his brother are launching their own reality show next week. It’s either going to be called Crack Dynasty or Whose Line is it Anyway?

– Jay Leno

“It just came out that Toronto mayor Rob Ford spent St. Patrick’s Day snorting cocaine with a prostitute. As an Irish person, I’m offended. St. Patrick’s Day is for drinking beer with a prostitute.”

– Conan O’Brien

“The Ford motor company is angry at Toronto mayor Rob Ford for using their logo. Apparently it’s led to confusion because both Fords are known for their moderately priced escorts.”

– Conan O’Brien

“At this point the only shocking allegation you can make about Mayor Ford is that he was caught eating a salad. It’s amazing. It’s like Toronto has a 400-pound Andy Dick running the city.”

– Jimmy Kimmel

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