Why you need to talk to your kids about sexual assault

The start of the new school year brings many challenges and concerns for parents, educators and students. Having taught at five different universities over the past 13 years, my concern each term is the countless first-hand reports of sexual assault disclosed by my students.

Sadly, many assaults occur before students even reach university age. There is little point in quoting statistics because different studies produce contradictory findings due to their use of inconsistent and often dubious definitions and methodologies, depending on the agenda the researchers wish to push. Nevertheless, even the most conservative rates of sexual assault against students remain disturbingly high.

University students seem particularly vulnerable to more severe forms of sexual assault because they have significant difficulty navigating the journey between adolescence and adulthood. Many of them are stuck somewhere between dependence and independence, ignorance and knowledge, naiveté and experience, insecurity and self-confidence, bravado and empowerment, recklessness and sound judgment. Yet, they often believe they are more savvy and well adjusted than they really are. And most will assume they know far more about contemporary sexuality and related issues than their parents.

What you need to know

In order not to appear like an ill-informed and out-of-touch stereotype, parents should arm themselves with pertinent facts, such as:

• The majority of students will consume drugs or alcohol, likely to excess at least once; intoxication is a leading risk factor in physical or sexual assault.
• An alarmingly high number of female (and, to a much lesser degree, male) students will be at risk of such assaults, including rape.
• Victims are not likely to report the assault because they are often confused about what actually happened, may blame themselves, usually know the assailant, are afraid no one will believe them, and/or fear further abuse, humiliation or traumatization, particularly by police and the courts.
• Even if someone displays poor judgment—for instance by consuming too much alcohol or other drugs—this in no way excuses or minimizes the criminal actions of anyone who would knowingly touch that person sexually against his/her will.
• One can never infer what actually happened during an alleged assault based on the victim’s behaviours immediately following the incident or any time afterward. It is impossible to predict how someone will react to a traumatic event.

Some might think that “everyone” already knows these facts. If that were true, each year I and others in the relevant fields would not meet so many people who must contend with not only sexual abuse but also ignorance or insensitivity of those to whom they turn for support.

What to do?

What can parents do to help their children avoid becoming yet another statistic? They should avoid fear mongering and instead have a frank, honest, calm and balanced discussion about the realities facing university students; they need to express their concerns in ways that do not suggest a lack of faith in their children but instead reflect awareness of facts. They should also invite their children to share their thoughts on the issues. Perhaps most importantly, they must make their children feel that mistakes are normal, expected, and not something that will change the parents’ feelings toward them.

Such efforts help foster a safe, trusting, respectful and non-judgmental alliance that increases the child’s probability of heeding good advice, making healthy choices and avoiding potentially dangerous situations. And if something unfortunate does happen, the child is more likely to reach out to his/her parent(s).

Whether a child attends university or not, parents can help them transition through adolescence and adulthood adaptively by ensuring that they both are truly educated about and equipped to deal with some of the unpleasant realities out there. Such realities may be far too common but are by no means inevitable.