Going home to face the family single for the holidays isn’t anyone’s idea of fun, but it’s got to be done – just ask Twitter user Emily Seawright.
It was Thanksgiving weekend when the California student went back home where everyone seemed to have some sort of announcement to share: one of her siblings was engaged while another was expecting. Emily, however, felt she had no announcement that could compare.
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So they all posed for a fun family photo and made light of the situation, and many on social media could relate.
As the holidays come around, however, it’s not uncommon for your feelings of loneliness to be exacerbated, but facing prying questions from your family and friends about your love life can make it even worse.
“Sometimes it can feel like you’re in the spotlight for all the wrong reasons,” relationship expert Chantal Heide of Canada’s Dating Coach says. “We like to feel appreciated and congratulated on our accomplishment, but when the focus is on what you’re not presenting while ignoring aspects of your life that may be thriving, frustration can rear its ugly head and drive us towards hurt and anger.”
And because the holidays are typically seen as one of the ultimate family gatherings of the year, it can feel bothersome to see others settling into their lives while being questioned about why you’re not there yet, Heide adds.
“There is also an innate desire to be like everyone else in our peer groups and being the only person who isn’t coupled up can make you feel like the odd one out,” she said. “For someone who isn’t fiercely independent, that can be an unsettling feeling to experience at gatherings. This especially can lead us into dark thoughts like ‘What about me? Why aren’t I good enough?’”
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And it’s easy to look back and compare where you were last year to where you are today and think you’re in the same place. But if you do this, make sure to keep everything in perspective, Heide advises.
“It’s too easy to negate the efforts you’ve made if you let an overwhelming feeling of failure at being single take hold. So, instead of focusing on your single status, take a look at what you’ve actually been doing instead,” she said. “Remember that you’re not in the same place unless you’re literally in the same place. For example, if all you did the year before was sit on your couch and complain about never meeting people, then yes, you’re in the same place.”
If that’s the case, then maybe it’s time to start looking at your mental and emotional state, Heide says. Are you depressed? Do you need to seek therapy or enlist the help of a coach to help guide and inspire you? What can you do this year to change the outcome?
“The fact is, in order to gain a different end result you need to incorporate a new behaviour,” Heide explains. “If this is your situation, explore your action plan for this upcoming calendar year and know what you’re going to change.”
But if you’ve been proactive in your pursuit of a relationship, then you’ve made gains in your quest, Heide points out – even if you haven’t found the right partner yet.
However, if family and friends continue to pry and it makes you uncomfortable, here’s what you can do.
First, have an answer prepared, Heide says.
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“In essence, be prepared to share what you’re actually doing,” she says. “People who care about you care about your dreams too, and it’s normal for them to want to hear about where you’re at with them.”
For example, Heide says to say something like, “Thank you for asking. It seems that finding Mr. Right can be as much a science as plain old luck. So I’ve been (fill in the blank).”
Tell them a couple of the things you’re doing to achieve your goal, along with an optimistic statement about your emotional well-being.
Also, keep the subject light, she adds, and give them a short and sweet answer. Follow up with asking about themselves.
“This will soothe their curiosity while letting them know you’re going to be OK, then it switches the spotlight back to them, moving the conversation along,” Heide suggests.
And make sure to handle your own feelings on the matter.
First address whatever chatter is on your mind and turn anything negative into an opposite statement so you don’t get caught up in negative self-talk that will only further depress your emotions, she says.
“Work hard to turn that frown upside-down,” Heide says. “Smiling releases dopamine in your brain, the same chemical that acts as your inner reward signal. So watch a lot of funny YouTube videos, hang out with happy people and go see that hilarious movie. Create opportunities to laugh and smile and you’ll naturally boost yourself out of the blues.”
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