‘Man-up’ culture strains teen boys’ friendships, says researcher

“It might be nice to be a girl because then I wouldn’t have to be emotionless.”

For New York author and developmental psychologist Niobe Way, the comment encapsulates more than two decades of research.

The remark was made by a 16-year-old boy when asked about his friendships.

“That statement by itself sums it up entirely,” Way said. “We raise boys to go against their nature and then we wonder why they grow up and some of them act crazy.”

Way and her research team interviewed hundreds of boys to analyze their social and emotional development from early to late adolescence. They found boys valued their male friendships deeply and recognized the value of sharing secrets for their mental health, however they had trouble maintaining those bonds into their late teens.

Way considers North America’s hyper-masculine culture the catalyst. As the boys in Way’s studies started resembling men, they began to associate close male friendships and having feelings as being “girly” or “gay.”

“They start saying things like, ‘No homo’ when I ask them questions about their friendships, even though like three years earlier they had said, ‘I love him. I can’t live without him. He prevents me from going wacko. I need someone to talk to. I need to share all my feelings.'”

Tweet This Click to share quote on Twitter: "They start saying things like, 'No homo' when I ask them questions about their friendships, even though like three years earlier they had said, 'I love him. I can't live without him. He prevents me from going wacko. I need someone to talk to. I need to share all my feelings.'"

Way’s book, Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, focuses on Caucasian, Latino, Asian and African American boys. However, the paradigm of masculinity is familiar to teen boys in Canada.

Watch below: Alberta teens talk about what it means to “man up” and how paradigms of masculinity influence their friendships.

0:46 Alberta teens talk about what it means to ‘man up’

Way says parents can nurture their sons’ close friendships by talking about them and modelling their own relationships.

“If you look at the research, that should be our sole goal: to raise people who can have healthy and satisfying relationships because that is at the root of all happiness. That’s at the root of all long-term physical well-being. That is it.”