The dating game can be an exhausting one, especially when it seems like you can’t score anything past a first date.
Are you doing something wrong? Perhaps – especially if you’re guilty of committing these common dating don’ts, relationship expert Chantal Heide says.
First dates are stressful, Heide admits, as the chemistry between two people can cause some major nervousness.
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“The reason why a first date happens is because there was chemistry, and chemistry is very flustering,” she says. “That’s the whole point of chemistry – it’s supposed to excite you and ignite you and bring you to a space of procreation because we are biological animals designed to procreate.”
But that first date is crucial, Heide says, because if it doesn’t go well, then it could discourage someone from pursuing anything further thus ruining your chances at a possible future relationship.
“The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour,” she says. “If the first date doesn’t go smoothly, then your mind tells you that the next one is going to be just as bad as the next one – or maybe even worse. Then you just don’t feel like investing time and energy and money into something that could potentially be worse than the last date.”
So before you agree to go out on yet another first date, make sure you consult Heide’s list of dating blunders. Being more aware of these behaviours could help you secure your second, and even third date and beyond.
It’s not an interview
Yes, dates are stressful, so why add even more pressure by making the date into a job interview.
“They’re sitting across a table from each other and wondering if the other person is going to check off all these boxes that will signal a good husband for a woman, for example, or a good partner in bed for a guy,” Heide says. “The two people are not even on the same page on that first date for the most part.”
Subconsciously, women are looking for a “caveman who they can mate with and stay and help them raise the baby,” Heide explains. So women, she says, want to know if the man has a good job, is he stable, and does he seem to be interested in a long-term relationship.
“It’s protect, profess and provide,” Heide says. “Women are thinking about having a relationship from the get-go – men are thinking if they’re going to be compatible. Men’s process to choosing a relationship is slower than women’s.”
To make the first date seem less like an interview, Heide suggests going for a walk. This will help ease nerves and help the conversation flow more easily.
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While a first date is not an interview, questions are going to come up naturally. However, there are a few questions you should avoid, Heide says.
The first: don’t ask about marriage.
“This is for women – the guy hasn’t figured out if they like you yet,” she says. “So when you start asking them if they’re going to be the right husband for you, you’re way ahead of them because they’re still in the process of figuring out if they want a second date.”
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For men, Heide says, avoid talking too much about sex.
And lastly, don’t discuss exes.
“One mistake people do is they talk about their baggage,” says Heide. “And what people can do wrong in that initial phase is bond over grief and disaster instead of bonding over personality and compatibility.”
How to score a second date
Men, who tend to be more mature, chase women – guys, who tend to be less mature however, let the women chase them, Heide says.
So men, if you are serious and want that second date, take charge and court the woman.
For women, it’s all about the touch.
“Women, every time they feel a spark of warmth, they need to touch the man because he needs to know that he made her happy,” Heide says. “It doesn’t matter how much the woman says he’s smart and funny, if there’s no touch involved, his brain doesn’t register that the woman actually likes him.”
This touch, Heide explains, is going to translate as an emotional reward to the man and signal attraction.
“This is going to get the guy to call the woman for a second date,” Heide says. “Should the woman set up a second date with the man, now she’s chasing him. So in this scenario, is he being a guy and having everything done for him, or is he being a man and making things happen?”
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