Graaains! Pentagon ‘has plan’ for vegetarian, chicken zombie attack
TORONTO – The U.S. federal government has a survival plan to protect humanity from the undead.
Foreign Policy says it obtained a how-to guide for military planners that outlines how to "preserve the sanctity of human life" among all the "non-zombie humans" during an attack.
Dated from April 30, 2011, the document was created to “conduct operations that will, if directed, eradicate zombie threats to human safety.”
But is the zombie plan real? Well, not quite.
The unclassified document CONPLAN 8888, also known as “Counter-Zombie Dominance,” was written as “an imaginative exercise for training purposes” and is, in fact, not part of U.S. Strategic Command plan. A disclaimer on the document, however, says “this plan was not actually designed as a joke.”
According to the document, military planners assigned to the U.S. Strategic Command in Omaha, Nebraska during 2009 and 2010 “looked for a creative way to devise a planning document to protect citizens in the event of an attack of any kind” and found that writing a “zombie survival plan” was useful and effective.
“Planners … realized that training examples for plans must accommodate the political fallout that occurs if the general public mistakenly believes that a fictional training scenario is actually a real plan,” the authors wrote.
“Rather than risk such an outcome by teaching our augmentees using the fictional ‘Tunisia’ or ‘Nigeria’ scenarios used at [Joint Combined Warfighting School], we elected to use a completely-impossible scenario that could never be mistaken for a real plan.”
Zombie Threat Summary
On the menu for the undead: chicken zombies, vegetarian zombies and even “evil magic zombies.”
Under “Zombie Threat Summary,” the document states the various zombies that one might find in an attack. This includes the following:
Chicken zombies (CZ)
Chicken zombies are said to occur when old hens who can no longer lay eggs are “euthanized by farmers with carbon monoxide, buried, and then claw their way back to the surface.”
The document also states that “although it sounds ridiculous, this is actually the only proven class of zombie that actually exists” and refers to the December 2006 report that chickens who have not been properly euthanized have been seen crawling out of compost piles.
“CZs are simply terrifying to behold and are likely only to make people become vegetarians in protest to animal cruelty,” notes CONPLAN 8888.
Vegetarian zombies (VZ)
Although vegetarian zombies (VZs) do not attack humans or other animal life, they will consume all plant life in front of them, according to the document. Of note, it says, VZs can only be identified by the aversion to humans and affinity for plants by their tendency to semi-comprehensibly groan the word “grains.”
Evil Magic Zombies (EMZ)
These zombie life forms are said to be created via some form of occult experimentation in what otherwise may be referred to as “evil magic.”
“Our intent was to place this training tool ‘in the wild’ so that others who were interested in finding new and innovative ways to train planners could have an alternative and admittedly unconventional tool at their disposal,” says the document. “We also hoped that this type of non-traditional training approach could provide inspiration for other personnel trying to teach topics that can be very boring.”
DOCUMENT: CONPLAN 8888
© 2014 Shaw Media