About 10 years ago, Jay P. fell into an alcohol addiction.
“It started out like binge drinking, you know. The Friday, Saturday. Then it turned into Thursday, Friday, Saturday,” then it progressed to every day, he said.
“After every single day, it’s not being able to control it and then just spiralling out of control and it’s six months down the road and you’re isolated, you’re all by yourself, and you’ve got basically nothing left.”
Paired with depression and anxiety, Jay, whose full name Global News has agreed not to use to protect his privacy, said he struggled to seek help — trying to meet cultural expectations of what it means to be a man.
“You want to be self-sufficient. No one wants to admit defeat, and I was defeated. No one wants to surrender,” he said. “You’re trying to fix it yourself. Trying to put the puzzle together.”
These expectations are all too common, according to an addictions counsellor with St. Raphael Wellness Centre.
“They are a bit more reluctant to ask for help. In terms of health care, they aren’t as forthcoming with physical or emotional pain as women are. They don’t see doctors as often, and even if they do and they are faced with the fact that they need treatment, they panic,” Matthew Hodgins said.
“Men are expected to be self-reliant. They’re expected to work (and) support themselves.”
Mara Grunau, executive director of the Centre for Suicide Prevention, says it’s a systemic issue.
“We have socialized men to be strong and stoic. You know, depending on your generation, people may be familiar with comments like, ‘boys don’t cry,’ ‘toughen up,’ you know, ‘be tough enough to take it,’ things like that,” she said.
“Those expressions don’t exist in isolation. There’s a lot of belief under them, and they run deep, and have an impact both on how women view men, and how men view themselves.”
Research featured in the centre’s Buddy Up campaign shows men are three times more likely to die by suicide than women.
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“It doesn’t have to be that way,” Grunau said. “Men can interact with each other to build safe spaces, and women have a role to play as well…. Suicide is preventable.”
To offer men hope on the road to recovery, Hodgins runs a support group at St. Raphael Wellness Centre in Winnipeg.
“I think a lot of people feel that sobriety means abstaining from drugs and alcohol, and that’s the end of the story. So the vision we have at work is a multifaceted approach looking at mental health, the community, sleep hygiene, exercise, diet, sexual health, all of the things that we can make a change towards,” he said.
“I teach men that they are lovable, that they have value, and that recovery is achievable and sustainable.”
Jay joined Hodgins’ group in April, after being in hospital for 20 days following surgery.
“I have a counsellor where I live in a sober living facility. She noticed that I didn’t have the same drive after my surgery,” he said, noting he was mostly focusing on his physical restoration rather than mental.
“I took a lot of steps back. Addiction is a weird thing. The obsession started to kind of return,” he said, but he was able to catch and curb it with the encouragement of his counsellor.
“She doesn’t pull punches. She would tell me straight up. She said, ‘You need a group,'” Jay said.
He is grateful he made the step, saying it has been key to rebuilding his life.
“It’s like adding to a chain because the chain was so broken before. Now you’re building back a chain. This isn’t the only thing I do, but it is a huge part of what my recovery is about. And the more you build that chain up, the stronger it gets,” he said.
Now, he said he has about 40 people he can reach out to when he is struggling.
“Sometimes you just need to let some stuff out, and it feels good to get stuff off your chest. You get the connection with people, and then you might hear a story that is very similar to yours, but you might hear a way that he is dealing with it that you’ve never thought about,” Jay said.
It helps that everyone involved in the group is there to get better, he said.
“We’re building ourselves back up. Creating a good recovery is building connection with other people,” he said. “The opposite of addiction is connection.”
Hodgins said meeting with a group is integral to recovery.
“The significance of coming together in a group is the reduction of shame and stigma. That’s something you don’t get for addiction if you just work with a private counsellor or a private therapist,” he said.
“In a group setting, you’re able to see people with a similar story as you succeed. There’s a sense of hope, there’s catharsis: you’re getting something out. It’s therapeutic, you help other people, there’s a sense of purpose, you have a role, there’s accountability.
“You know that if you aren’t in group, people are going to be missing you, they’re going to be asking about you. You know that if you do have a slip in your recovery, there’s support and people will talk to you with it.”
Grunau said the number one reason people consider suicide is because “they’re in unbelievable psychological pain. That can be coupled with burdensomeness, loneliness and disconnection.”
But that’s exactly why she said suicide is preventable.
“We can intervene with somebody, and we can help build resilience with people, and we can help people build hope for the future. But to be able to do that, we have to have conversations,” she said.
That’s what the Buddy Up campaign is about.
“What we’ve learned from men is that they want to have authentic conversations with their buddies or with their friends, but they don’t know how to start the conversation,” Grunau said.
For those looking to help their friends or family, she said to start a conversation by asking how someone is really doing, then noting specifically why you are checking in.
One example, she said: “You haven’t shown up to soccer in a couple of weeks in a row, and that’s not like you…. I’m concerned about you. What’s going on?”
Then she said it’s critical to listen, and if someone sounds like they could be suicidal, to ask if they are considering it.
“It’s super hard to ask, but it’s really important because if you say the word, and if you ask the question, they don’t have to,” Grunau said.
If someone says they are considering suicide, she said not to panic and validate how they are feeling without validating suicide, and ask to call or text the 24-7 Suicide Crisis Helpline together at 988.
Jay said the road to recovery isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.
“Life’s worth living. There’s a lot of good things to do. And, especially without substances you can actually enjoy them, remember them, and participate in them.”
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