Jill Officer’s blog comes from the Women’s World Curling Championship in Sapporo, Japan, this week, where she’s curling with Team Canada — and missing her daughter.
Camryn and I were walking out of her dance class last week and she said, “Mommy, are you going curling?”
“Not today, but Mommy will be going away again soon for curling. OK?” I said.
“OK,” she said simply.
“You get to stay home with Daddy.”
“OK!” she said enthusiastically.
JILL’S HOUSE: Read previous blog posts from Jill Officer
Thankfully that enthusiasm makes me feel slightly better about leaving my three-year-old behind, especially for a two-week stint, as we are on now in Sapporo, Japan, for the World Women’s Curling Championships. But it is still always hard to leave.
The longer trips are the hardest, so it’s no surprise that our one-month trip for the Olympics was such a tug-of-war in my heart. I was so excited about leaving for the Olympics, but so sad to say goodbye to my sweet girl for that long. I kept telling myself that hopefully she would understand 10 years from now why Mommy left her for a month.
It still wasn’t easy to leave. I remember dropping her at daycare that morning, walking out of there a blubbering fool and crying halfway to the airport. She, on the other hand, ran off to have breakfast with her friends.
READ MORE: Jennifer Jones beats Val Sweeting 6-5 in Scotties curling final
That was the extreme, but I do always get a bit choked up when I have to leave, and the duration of the trip usually determines the level of chokiness.
But what I find is that going away and doing what I love for myself allows me to have more patience for Camryn when I get home. It forces me to be focused on the quality of the time we spend together. And one of the best parts, I think, is that it super strengthens the relationship between her and my husband when I am away.
I sense that a lot of parents out there either can’t imagine leaving their kids, don’t want to leave their kids or ultimately do it with a lot of reluctance. Whatever the situation, I would like to give you my tips and thoughts on what helps me deal with the agony of leaving.
- Tell yourself you are not a bad mom for taking some personal time, leaving for work to support your family, following your dreams or whatever other reason you have. Because you are NOT a bad mom! You are a good mom for recognizing you need to look after yourself as well to be a better mom.
- Tell your kids when you are leaving. I am sure there are many different reactions to this, but I always tell Camryn when I am leaving because I want her to trust me when I tell her things. If I say I will see you in the morning when in fact I will be up early and on an airplane, and she doesn’t see me, I feel that is sending a message to her that I am lying to her and she may not trust me. It might be incredibly difficult to walk out while your kids are throwing a tantrum because Mommy is leaving, but I truly feel down the line it will add to the trust they have in you if you are honest with them.
- Make contact every day. Whether it is through Skype or a simple phone call for her to hear my voice, I talk to and/or see Camryn every day. I know some parents find it more difficult to do that and maybe it’s even too upsetting for your children. However, if you can, cyber kisses and hugs are the next best thing and it is still making a connection with your kids.
- This is actually a DO NOT tip and I know many parents will disagree with me on this one, but I DO NOT buy a gift for Camryn every time I am away. Granted, if you go away once or twice year, then fine, maybe a gift isn’t so bad. When you go away once or twice a month, then there is suddenly an expectation that you will always bring a gift home and the child feels entitled to that. Ask yourself why you are buying the gift. Did you see the item and think of the child? Or are you just searching for anything, something that you can take back? And why are you taking that anything, something back? Guilt? Probably. But again, you are not a bad parent for going away, so stop beating yourself over the head with guilty sticks! I will buy something for Camryn if I see it and think it is unique and she would like it, but I don’t go around looking, stressing for something to take home. Shouldn’t my return be gift enough?!
- When you get home, be sure to show and tell your kids how much you missed them. Show them lots of affection and try to spend some extra time with them for a few days. When I come home, especially from the long trips, if I can, I keep Camryn home with me for a day and we hang out or do something special. To me, that is more important and more rewarding for both of us than buying a gift that will likely get tossed aside in a couple of days.
Granted, most of the time I am away from my daughter, my husband is with her, so she almost always has one of her parents. Ask me though if I would go away with my husband and leave Camryn with family, and I would say “absolutely.” And I would still follow my tips and remember that now it super strengthens the relationship with other family.
READ MORE: Jill’s House: 11 tips for a winning travel itinerary
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