Communication is a key part of any bond, but there are some topics that can drive passion from your relationship.
Relationship expert Jessica O’Reilly joined Global Calgary on Monday with details on five conversations that she said can kill a relationship.
“None of these conversations independently is a bad thing,” O’Reilly clarified. “The problem is when your relationship becomes reduced to these conversations alone.”
“They dominate your relationship and it really just drains the passion and connection and intimacy.”
“These conversations – almost all of them are universal and necessary – you just don’t want to spend all of your time talking about these things.”
Although O’Reilly said a conversation about the day’s events and activities is normal, there’s a time and place where it’s appropriate.
“Agenda setting is totally universal, totally necessary. You have to talk about what I did today, what I’m going to do tomorrow, who’s going to pick up the kids, what time is your mother coming,” O’Reilly said. “But for many couples – this is all you talk about.”
To make sure this conversation doesn’t dull your spark, O’Reilly suggests doing it over text instead of speaking about it at the dinner table or in the bedroom.
Other people’s problems
“When you speak negatively or disparagingly about other people, research shows it’s a direct reflection of your happiness levels, your emotional stability, your likeability,” O’Reilly said. “You are probably projecting your own unhappiness onto others.”
As such, O’Reilly suggests you don’t speak with your partner about other people’s problems – especially if it involves their relationship issues.
“Unless you’re genuinely trying to learn from someone – which in some cases we are – complaining is bad for you. It makes you unattractive too.”
Complaints about your partner or your day do need to be addressed, but O’Reilly suggests limiting the amount of time you speak about these topics.
“Two minutes of venting a day – and that’s it. Then you call each other out if you go beyond that.”
“Complaining about traffic, complaining that the barista got your coffee order wrong – these first-world problems – we need to just cut it out and be more positive.”
It’s normal to talk about your work with your significant other, but make sure your conversations don’t become reduced to just this topic.
If you are speaking about it, O’Reilly says to keep those conversations out of the bedroom.
Don’t let your children become your only topic of conversation.
“Marital satisfaction declines across the board with kids,” O’Reilly said. “Of course, kids are your happiness, they’re your meaning in life, they motivate you – but people with kids have a steeper decline in happiness levels.”
Specifically, O’Reilly advises against speaking about the kids on date nights or in intimate settings.