Faking orgasms: Men do it too, but it’s not ‘necessarily a bad thing’
Women aren’t the only ones who can fake an orgasm. Men do it more often than you may think.
And if you believe those in relationships don’t do it because it’s “dishonest” or because you assume they’re “more comfortable” telling their partner what they want, then you’re wrong. That’s according to a new study conducted by researchers at two Canadian universities.
They found as many as 71 per cent of men fake it while in a relationship — as often as one out of every four times they have sex.
“The higher the commitment, the more people are faking,” said Léa J. Séguin of the Université du Québec à Montréal.
“So people who are casually dating, for example, are much less likely to fake compared to married people.”
In their “Not All Fakes are Created Equal” study, Séguin and Robin Milhausen of the University of Guelph argue that faking an orgasm isn’t “necessarily a bad thing.”
“It turns out it depends on why you fake,” Séguin said.
Why men fake orgasms
She found that the most common reason men aged 18 to 29 faked an orgasm was to boost their partner’s self-esteem or “to make them feel like they did a good job — to make them happy, basically.”
“So in the end it’s kind of a sweet reason.”
In a relationship setting, the set-up for the fake is usually when a man isn’t in the mood to have sex to begin with but doesn’t want to disappoint their partner. They decide to just go with it, then realize they won’t be able to cross the finish line.
Intoxication and tiredness are two other frequent factors that lead to a faux orgasm.
What’s somewhat surprising, though, is the researchers found that “higher frequencies of pretending orgasm were associated with higher levels of relationship satisfaction.”
The only time faking it is bad for a relationship, the study found, was when it happened “because either the sex wasn’t very good or you regretted your choice of partner.”
What a sexologist says
Jess O’Reilly, The Morning Show’s relationship expert, says many people don’t need to orgasm to thoroughly enjoy sex. And in a happy, healthy relationship, it’s normal to do certain things that are intended solely for your partner’s benefit or pleasure.
“Overall, I wouldn’t suggest faking orgasms on the regular, as you will simply get more of what presumably isn’t working as opposed to more of what you specifically desire. If, however, it’s a rare occurrence, I can see the benefits,” she said.
If “your partner is giving, attentive and open-minded and you simply find that you’re too exhausted, stressed, drunk, distracted, depressed or medicated to reach orgasm —and you still want to have sex — a fake orgasm may, in fact, feel good for both of you,” she said.
O’Reilly compares it to the white lie of telling your partner you love a meal he or she cooked, even if it’s not exactly your favourite.
How they do it
So how exactly are men able to fake an orgasm? Those wearing a condom simply quickly discard the evidence, or rather lackthereof.
As for those who aren’t using a condom, a psychosexual therapist told The Telegraph that “most women do not pay much attention to evidence of ejaculation in their bodies, particularly if they are well lubricated anyway.”
And men can have “dry orgasms” as well.
“Dry orgasms are sometimes stumbled upon by chance, but some men actually train themselves to enjoy orgasms without ejaculation, as they describe the experience as more intense and they are able to skip the refractory period and experience multiple orgasms in succession,” O’Reilly explains in her book The New Sex Bible.
There are more advanced fakers, though. In the study, more than 27 per cent said they faked it during oral sex and over 17 per cent did so during manual stimulation.
“It is very weird,” Séguin admitted. “But they say they do so there’s got to be some way.”
It sometimes involves a bit of theatrics (we can’t give you the details here, but one creative example can be found on page 8 of a 2010 study called “Men’s and Women’s Reports of Pretending Orgasm“).
The specific methods that men reported most often in that study “were moaning or making other sounds, saying that they were orgasming, moving or thrusting faster or harder, freezing or clenching their muscles, and acting spent or exhausted.”
One respondent admitted he just stopped and said, “That felt good.”
Word of warning
University of Toronto researcher Amy Muise, who specializes in sexual motivation research, argued in 2013 that if your husband or wife is in the mood for sex and you’re not, taking one for the team by giving in is a recipe for disaster.
“It really does seem like if you give it up to avoid upsetting your partner, over time, that’s going to have a negative impact. It seems like the partner is somehow picking up on this and the sex is less enjoyable,” Muise said then.
She said it’s akin to wanting to try a new restaurant that your partner’s not interested in. You can tell they don’t want to be there and, in turn, your experience suffers, too.Follow @TrishKozicka
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