It has been said that toddlers are the most violent beings on the planet. Many parents would agree. Toddlers (children between 12 and 36 months) are learning and changing so much every day that it can be tricky to know exactly what to do with them. So let’s start there:
Tool 1: Encourage independence. Check in regularly. Are you doing something for your toddler today that she could be doing for herself? If you are, you might just hear about it from her. Toddlers are constantly moving toward independence (all children are really, but it starts early). They are separating from us, feeding themselves, expressing themselves with sounds, actions and increasing vocabulary and they are discovering their abilities and limitations.
Tool 2: Empathize when they freak out. Toddlers feel things with their whole body. If they are excited they will literally shake with joy and, if frustrated, sad, scared or mad, they will vibrate with those feelings too. They are still learning to control their bodies and manage their emotions.
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With infants and very young toddlers, you can distract them out of the emotion. For most toddlers though, rather than telling them “Calm down, it’s no big deal!” use words that name what they are feeling, “Wow, you are really mad. You don’t like that at all. You are making that really clear. Let’s get that anger out and calm your body.”
Tool 3: Just because a toddler tantrums doesn’t mean you have to. As adults, it is our job to stay calm (or get calm and then stay calm) around a toddler who is losing it. They need to know that someone is there to look after things. Your child isn’t screaming because you are a bad parent or to get back at you for something you did. Your child is screaming because something didn’t go her way. Use the language above or even just actions of rocking, soothing, humming and breathing to keep your cool and bring hers back. Whatever you do – don’t give in to a tantrum. When parents give in, it teaches a child that tantrums are a great trick for getting whatever they want.
Tool 4: Understand what is normal for toddlers. When we don’t understand things, it is easy to panic. When we feel confident about our knowledge, we feel capable in the moment and can remain calm. Read books, look online, talk to friends and check out our Demystifying Toddlers Webinar.
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