Women yearning for steamier sex are taking matters into their own hands.
They’re part of a growing movement redefining how we view the female orgasm, by focusing more on the journey than the destination.
“Somewhere along the way, orgasm became to men what an erection is to men,” writes Sarah Barmak in her new book Closer: Notes from the Orgasmic Frontier of Female Sexuality.
The female orgasm becomes a source of feelings of inadequacy if it doesn’t appear on cue, the Toronto-based author argues.
“The more pressure a woman puts on herself, or that a partner puts on her to ‘get there,'” she said, “often the more stressed out she is and the less likely that is to happen.”
Blame sexism for your inability to orgasm, ladies
Less than 60 per cent typically climax during sex with a male partner, compared to 95 per cent of men. The odds are better for lesbian women. They orgasm about 75 per cent of the time with a regular partner.
Yet in 2006, there were three times the number of studies dedicated to male sexual problems than those experienced by women, even though experts often classify female sexuality as more “complex.”
Sex misconceptions spread by lauded figures like Sigmund Freud haven’t helped. He argued that clitoral orgasms were abnormal (reality check: they’re actually the Holy Grail of the female orgasm), and even mused over whether removing the clitoris altogether could allow women to “progress.” Sexologists who tried to show otherwise were ostracized.
More than 80 years later, we’re still playing catch-up.
“We have denied female desire for so long, that now we see it through a lens of male sexuality… and expect it to work like male sexuality — to be goal-oriented, to be linear, to work quickly,” Barmak said.
Porn is part of the problem. Barmak thinks it’s “set female sexuality back decades” with its lack of foreplay and positions that could actually be pleasurable for women.
Female sexuality is much more reliant on a woman’s mental state. Her pleasure is also not one-size-fits-all.
READ MORE: ‘I had an orgasmic birth’: Midwife explains the ‘birthgasm’
“It’s up to each woman to explore herself and find out what her body likes,” Barmak said.
6 ways women are connecting with their sexuality
These are some of the tools ladies are reaching for in their quest for satisfaction between the sheets.
1. OMGYes
This educational site puts women’s tried, tested and true methods for reaching orgasm literally at your fingertips.
More than 65,000 people to date (split evenly between the sexes) have paid $40 to access the research and tutorials for better sexual pleasure since the site launched in mid-December.
This app gamifies female masturbation.
To encourage women to masturbate (and discover what works for them in the process), this game gives them points every time they do it — as well as a little refresher in female anatomy.
3. Orgasmic meditation
The same wave that brought us yoga, holistic health and slow food is behind this the OneTaste sexual practice, which Barmak explains is “focused 100 per cent on female pleasure.”
Here’s how it works: the woman lies back on a nest of pillows, while her partner lightly strokes her clitoris (as gently as you would your eyelid) for 15 minutes. That’s it.
There’s no expectation of reciprocation, sex, or orgasm.
“If you have one, great. If you don’t, don’t worry about it,” Barmak said of the philosophy.
“They always say every sensation the woman experiences in the 15 minutes that she’s getting the touch is ‘orgasmic.’ So they want to take the emphasis off the goal of trying to come.”
Taking that pressure off has been a “game-changer” for some women, she added.
4. Yoni massages
These are professional full-body massages that offer women a happy ending for $150 to $200.
“Consent is given and renewed the entire time,” Barmak explained, who tried out the vaginal massage.
Hers was done by a latex-glove-wearing female sex coach familiar with “all the sensitive spots.” Some are performed by sex workers.
Only about five minutes of Barmak’s session, which was accompanied by soft music and aromatherapy, included digital penetration. It didn’t give her an orgasm, but again, that’s not necessarily the goal of these sessions.
They’re thought to be therapeutic for sexual trauma survivors, Barmak said, as well as “for women who don’t feel much during sex and want to explore touch that can awaken sensation.”
5. Orgasm support groups
These too have been helpful for survivors of trauma.
They’re run by sex experts and can last up to five hours. The one Barmak attended at Toronto’s Good For Her sex store was also filled with women who had never masturbated.
“I think that’s an indicator that there’s something in our culture where we don’t talk about female pleasure. And because we don’t talk about it, girls get the message that this is not something for them.”
READ MORE: Ridiculous things bad sex ed makes you believe
“In contrast, they get an extremely strong message that looking sexy and attracting boys is the most important thing.”
6. Group masturbation sessions
These are a little out there. Or “weird and wacky” as Barmak admits. But it’s actually a concept that started in the ’70s with feminist groups wanting to discover their sexuality.
“They would get naked and masturbate together.”
“You’re almost seeing a resurgence of this.”
READ MORE: Canadians have more adventurous sex as they get older, survey finds
One Tantra teacher told her that spontaneous group masturbation sessions can be very freeing.
“What women say from those experiences is it’s really interesting and fun to explore your sexuality with other women in a situation where you don’t have to worry about making a man happy.
“You’re just sort of riding on other women’s permisiveness… Because you see other women doing it, it’s giving you permission to just go crazy.”
‘Ask her what she likes’
At Barmak’s Toronto book launch this past week (where they had vulva cupcakes and colouring sheets) she offered a few of her own personal tips to help your partner make it to that finish line:
- Ask her what she likes. Communication is amazing.
- Touch lighter and softer than you need to and go slower than you need to.
- Start at the extremities and don’t go straight to the “jade palace.”
- If she wants you to go faster, she’ll tell you.
READ MORE: Faking orgasms: Men do it too but it’s not necessarily a bad thing
But perhaps the most important piece of advice was yelled out from the audience:
“Don’t give up!”
Comments