This past weekend would’ve been Elizabeth Coughlin’s 12th wedding anniversary.
There was no romance this year, though, because nine months ago — after 11 years together — the 38-year-old Long Island mother-of-two discovered her soon-to-be-ex husband was cheating on her.
She didn’t get sentimental about the day, nor what it could’ve been. Instead, she pampered herself and spent time with friends. They (along with her therapist) have been an integral part of her bumpy road to recovery.
Toronto psychotherapist Christine Faihz has received so many calls over the years from women like Coughlin that she developed a guided peer-support group for those affected by adultery.
Instead of charging $120 a session, patients pay just $20 to work through their pain together, sharing tips on how to deal with their emotions.
She said that for some women, getting over the trauma of divorce can take decades.
“One woman in her 60s cannot get past the fact her husband left her for a younger woman. She’s been harbouring it for 30 years. Cries like it was yesterday,” Faihz said of one of her clients.
“It’s a post-traumatic stress that she has.”
“Sometimes it takes years to fall out of love,” Faihz added. It’s not like turning off “a light switch” for everyone.
When it all falls apart
Coughlin admits she doesn’t know if she’ll ever fully “be over” being cheated on by someone she loved so much. But she’s certainly come a long way in nine months, especially considering that as a child of divorce, having her own marriage fall apart was one of her biggest fears in life.
She was 14 when she watched her mother get admitted to the psych ward for depression after her dad left.
“And now here I was,” she recalled, “terrified that that would be me. Terrified that I wouldn’t be able to handle the kids, the house … I was terrified that I would never feel happiness again.”
For 11 years, her husband seemed like “the perfect guy.” He was “the epitome of the family man, he did the food shopping, he was great with the kids, and he was funny and kind.”
She never thought he’d cheat on her. Looking back, though, the signs were there.
“I should have known,” she said.
“Things were off between us. We didn’t talk anymore. He took his cellphone with him everywhere. The ringer was always off. And it was always face down on the table or nightstand.”
He told her he didn’t want to work on their marriage because he didn’t love her anymore and, within 24 hours, moved out.
She begged him, “wrote him letters, sent him a relationship book, asked him to come to counselling.”
Her efforts to save her relationship were futile.
‘Do what you need to do’
While some couples are able to move past infidelity, very few do, Faihz admitted.
READ MORE: Why would anyone stay with someone who’s cheated?
Being completely open and honest about everything up front does help, she said — regardless of whether a couple stays together.
If and when a decision is taken to part ways, she stressed it should be yours and yours alone. Don’t let friends and family convince you what you should do.
Oftentimes the most challenging part of healing, based on Faihz’s 22 years of experience, is restoring the wounded person’s trust in their own judgment. An affair may have shaken everything they thought they knew.
“The best way to get through the hurt is to be around people, not isolate yourself,” Faihz said.
If you don’t have a strong circle of friends, she suggested going out and meeting new people with common interests through sites like Meetup.
And if a rebound is what you think you need, “do what you need to do.”
She said dating can be a “nice distraction” and sometimes even a self-esteem boost for women who feel they were cheated on because they weren’t “sexy enough.”
WATCH: How do couples deal with infidelity? Relationship expert Jessica O’Reilly explains.
“I think it’s very important for the woman not to think she’s done anything wrong. The direction they go to is, ‘I’m ugly, I’m fat, I should’ve gotten a manicure more often … It’s my fault.’”
That’s never the case, she and other experts stress.
‘I am stronger’
Like many women whose partners have been unfaithful, Coughlin initially felt too ashamed to tell anyone about her unraveling marriage.
When she eventually disclosed the news of her impending divorce to her closest friends, she did it through an email.
Their support was what helped her muster up the energy to get out of bed, when even that was challenging.
“Some days were really terrible — the kids had cereal for dinner, their homework didn’t get done properly, I’d cry in public, I’d skip giving the kids showers. I cried in front of them. I yelled. Some days I barely functioned because I was emotionally drained.”‘
Each day, she tried her best to just put one foot in front of the other.
The only time she didn’t feel pain was when she took a yoga class and threw herself into DIY projects around the house.
“Suddenly I began to feel empowered. I found a side of me that I didn’t know existed.”
“I learned how to change the propane tank on my grill. I taught myself how to use the hedge trimmer and bundle old branches that needed to be cleaned up in the yard. I took down the Christmas tree, lugged it to curb and packed away all of the Christmas decorations with my stepmom. I refused to ask my ex for help. I thought of all the years I listened to my mom say, ‘Who needs a man anyway?'”
“I spackled holes on my living room walls and painted them late at night while enjoying a glass of wine. It’s amazing what a fresh coat of paint can do.”
“I bought a small hand-sander and started refinishing old furniture.”
She found it therapeutic to take something old and make it look beautiful and special again.
“Truthfully, I see a little bit of myself in these old garage sale finds that no one else wants. Sure, the pieces have been disregarded and are no longer meaningful to their owners, but there is always someone out there that will see its true beauty. They still serve an important purpose.”
“I like to think of myself as a work in progress,” she said.
And even though she thought it would never be possible again, she feels happy.
“I am a new person. I am not the same person I was before. I am stronger. I don’t worry as much anymore. When your worst fear comes true there is very little that you have to be afraid of.
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