Albertan Maae Czan feels as though she’s navigating two alternate universes: the oddly surreal space of COVID-19 restrictions and the devastating fog of losing a child. Czan’s two-year-old daughter Rio had cerebral palsy and died March 13 after coming down with a cold.
“It was really surprising how hard it hit her,” Czan said. “And things just deteriorated and she never recovered from it.”
While the COVID-19 crisis was just beginning to surge in Alberta at the time of Rio’s death, it impacted Czan and partner Darren Dunfield’s support network at the funeral March 18.
“The day-of, a lot of people that had planned on coming, I just kept getting texts saying, ‘I’m sorry, we can’t make it. With what’s going on we can’t make it.'”
Some of their friends with children with compromised health also felt showing up was too risky so, instead, they marked the occasion by lighting candles, saying prayers and posting photos on social media with the hashtag #restinpeacesweetrio to offer support.
“It was extremely touching. It was so beautiful,” Czan said. “I was blown away. It was the sweetest.”
While some Canadians are finding new ways to support those who lose a loved one, grief educator and funeral home owner Jeremy Allen is concerned that mourning — the means of processing grief — could get lost in the pandemic. Read the following conversation with Global News’ Laurel Gregory and Allen for more information.
Laurel Gregory: All of the ways we are used to mourning as human beings have kind of been thrown out the window. We can’t gather in big groups, you aren’t supposed to be dropping off food that you’ve prepared in your kitchen, or breaking bread, hugging, all of those things.
Jeremy Allen: All of those things that we’ve learned to lean on. The difference between grief and mourning is grief is an emotion whereas mourning is something we have to be taught. Mourning isn’t something we are born with. It’s something we have to be taught how to do. So many of us that were fortunate enough to have people in our life that taught us how to mourn are now doing the, ‘What do we do now?’ because all of these tools that we’ve been given, which is showing up and eating egg salad, and showing up and embracing one another and having a drink, all of these things aren’t achievable or as achievable within the restrictions of COVID-19.
LG: What does that mean on a personal level — for people who are experiencing grief, who have lost a loved one — and on a communal level?
JA: I’ll just speak about our funeral home specifically. What we are learning in the midst of this experience is that we are best serving families by helping them establish the things that are most important to them in the immediate parts of that loss. Sometimes that falls into the religious traditions and rituals that are important… Some families are saying to us, in our setting, that we like the idea of having a day of viewing, where we know that within the restrictions and recommendations, that it’s going to be safe within six or seven or eight hours that as households we can come in and spend time with mom or dad or grandma or grandpa or as individuals. We very much know how to apply the knowledge that we’ve been given from our provincial government to our setting to do that in a safe way.
It’s tough because I think there is something to be said about trying to push pause on mourning. I don’t think you can just push the pause button on it. What I really want our communities to know right now is that we aren’t asking you to not mourn right now.
What we are saying is we need to become more creative and find the ways that we can get together and participate in loss…. So the ways we’ve still seen communities showing up for one another? There’s so much value in a handwritten card. We still have the opportunity to write one another, we still have the opportunity to call.
It’s not maybe the same as the embrace or to see and feel your presence, but when I hear your voice it’s much different from when I receive a text message. When I get my mail and I see that you took the time to write a letter or to write a card to me, it is much different than reading an email. The ways that we have the opportunities to show up right now, I think that when we tap into that opportunity there is so much ability to become connected even though we are being forced to be somewhat disconnected.
READ MORE: Coronavirus is changing how we hold funerals: ‘another layer of grief’
LG: Do you have any concerns that people who are in mourning are getting lost in the fog of COVID? The reason I ask is, I spoke to a mom whose two-year-old daughter had cerebral palsy and died March 13. She said she feels like she’s in two alternate universes: one being COVID but then on top of that losing this toddler.
JA: Totally. First of all my heart immediately goes out in any environment when a parents loses a child. It’s just such an unimaginable loss and I think when we bring it back to the timing of when this loss took place, it almost feels inhumane in some sense. I think there’s so much conversation to be had with these parents about what this loss is going to look like for them….
There’s going to be far more people who will lose loved ones during COVID-19 than will lose loved ones to COVID-19. That’s important to recognize.
What about all the people that die within the midst of this pandemic, that died separately from it, whose loved ones were not able to be accompanied by their family as they passed away like in more traditional settings where we could be at the palliative care room with our moms or dads, grandpas and grandmas. I think it has generational impact on grief. Recognizing it’s just through my experience that I’m able to say that. I believe that there’s going to be a generational impact on grief and mourning because not everyone will reenter this conversation.
LG: Tell me what you mean by that?
JA: So I feel that there are going to be people who that experience loss in the midst of COVID-19 that will not come back and have a funeral, that will not come back and recollect as family and friends. When I say the word funeral I want to clarify what I mean by that. The way that we explain it is creating a specific time on a specific day at a specific place that as family and friends and community we collect to honour the relationships attached to this person…. My concern is for the ones who choose not to do that, that don’t come back, where this life just ended… because grief is an emotion and mourning is something that we are taught, I know that these people are going to have little ones in their lives. Who is holding these children right now in the midst of this loss and teaching them that even if we don’t know what we are doing as a family when we go through really hard things like losing someone to death… we do it together? We approach this as a family. First, last and always I have your back. I think that’s what we really need to be teaching our kids right now in the midst of loss.
You can find out more about Jeremy Allen and his work with grief at deathed.ca