TORONTO — ‘Tis the season for holiday music — whether you’re doing last-minute shopping at the mall or putting together a playlist for your Christmas dinner party.
It’s the one time of the year when Grandpa can belt out a song about donning gay apparel and sing “Fa La La La La” and “Thumpety thump thump” without blushing.
We all know the classic carols like “Silent Night” and “Joy to the World” and festive favourites like “Jingle Bells” and “Winter Wonderland.”
There are also songs about suspicions of adultery (“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”), stalking and threatening (“Santa Claus is Coming to Town”), attempted date rape (“Baby It’s Cold Outside”) and the search for a sugar daddy (“Santa Baby”).
But, over the years, we’ve also been gifted with a collection of depressing, obnoxious and just plain awful holiday recordings that, like fruitcake, don’t go down so well and never seem to go away.
Here are 10 songs that will leave you scratching your egg noggin’. Forget about earworms — these are bah humbugs.
“Come On Christmas” – Dwight Yoakam
The title track from country singer Dwight Yoakam’s 1997 holiday album is dark, depressing, dispiriting and dreary. Keep this one off your party playlist — and don’t even think about listening to it if you’re alone on Christmas Eve.
“Spin Me a Christmas” – Aqua
The Eurodance duo who brought the world “Barbie Girl” treated us to this Christmas confection that gives shout-outs to Coca-Cola, Wham! and plastic snow. You’ll likely need to be medicated, though, to appreciate lyrics like: “All the dreams of white Christmas / Are getting you wet.”
“White Christmas” – Jingle Cats
Mike Spalla successfully mixed cat sounds to come up with four albums of kitty carols between 1993 and 2009. But only cats (and possibly that disheveled woman who lives next door) can tolerate more than 10 seconds of this feline version of a Christmas classic.
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“Funky Funky Christmas” – New Kids on the Block
New Kids on the Block put the white in “White Christmas” with this allegedly funky holiday song, which was included on their 1989 album Merry, Merry Christmas. NKOTB member Donnie Wahlberg — now a successful actor — co-wrote the song.
“Wonderful Christmas Time” – Paul McCartney
This nettlesome ditty was written, produced and recorded by Paul McCartney — who also played all the instruments — in 1979. Arguably the ex-Beatle’s worst composition, he’s had the last laugh: McCartney reportedly earns $400,000 a year in royalties from the song.
“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” – Elmo and Patsy
Released as a single in 1979 by Elmo and Patsy, this novelty song by Randy Brooks got a boost in 1982 when Canada’s Irish Rovers recorded their own version. It’s downright dark, though, and sure to put the kiddies in therapy. Sample lyrics: “She’d been drinkin’ too much egg nog / And we’d begged her not to go / But she’d left her medication / So she stumbled out the door into the snow / When they found her Christmas mornin’ / At the scene of the attack / There were hoof prints on her forehead / And incriminatin’ claw marks on her back.”
“Everybody Knows the Claus” – Hanson
The Hanson brothers rushed Christmas album Snowed In to market in 1997 to cash in on the success of “MMMBop.” This attempt to create a holiday classic, though, sounds more like a festive version of “MMMBop.”
“Please Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)” – John Denver
There’s a good chance that John Denver was Rocky Mountain high when he decided to include this song on both his 1973 Farewell Andromeda album and 1975 Rocky Mountain Christmas. Written by Bill Danoff and Taffy Nivert, this ode to alcoholism is sung from the perspective of a child. “Now I’m almost eight, as you can see / You came home a quarter past eleven / And fell down underneath our Christmas tree.”
“Christmas Conga” – Cyndi Lauper
Someone inexplicably decided the world needed a holiday album from the woman who brought us the masturbation anthem “She Bop.” The result, 1998’s Merry Christmas…Have a Nice Life included this bizarre track co-written by Cyndi Lauper and Jan Pulsford.
“Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS” – Tiny Tim
All that needs to be said about this song is: WTF? Tiny Tim reportedly wrote this song in 1980, before the acronym “AIDS” tip-toed into the vernacular. He claimed he was referring to Ayds, a now-defunct appetite suppressant. Whatever the true story behind the song… WTF?
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