Robin Hood misses target

Russell Crowe stars as Robin Hood, the thief with a thirst for social justice. Director Ridley Scott’s take on the legend is so riddled with cliche, the movie collapses in upon itself within the first half as we’re forced to watch Robin assemble his band, one man at a time, while bits and pieces of other movies run through the projector. The formula could have been forgiven with a little more character development, but as it stands, this one misses the target.

Starring: Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Max von Sydow, William Hurt, Mark Strong and Danny Huston

Rating: Two stars out of five

People frequently wonder just how movies get made in Hollywood – especially ones that have been made many times over.

Robin Hood, for instance, has been prancing around the big screen since the very dawn of cinema, even before Douglas Fairbanks famously rallied a band of merry men into a revolutionary force.

Given his countless screen incarnations, one could very well ask why Hollywood studio heads decided to give this man in tight pants another kick in the loden green patootie. Certainly, that question bubbled up more than once in my mind over the course of watching this bum-numbingly long piece of pompous nonsense.

The crimes of cliche were so rampant, and the dialogue so brutal, the only thing left to do was a forensic critique of the entire endeavour.

First, a reconstruction of the original pitch meeting (to be read with the sound of "Won’t Get Fooled Again" playing in the background): Director Ridley Scott hasn’t had a hit since Gladiator – and that was over a decade ago. Looking to recreate the magic he made with Australian beefcake Russell Crowe, he seeks a concept fat enough to accommodate their hefty skill sets and settles on the English outlaw, Robin Hood.

"Imagine a cross between Gladiator and The Tudors," Scott may have said. "Now take that idea, and throw in a little Platoon for some manly emotional moments and some 300-styled slow-motion battle sequences . . . Starting to make your biceps flex, isn’t it?

"But that’s not all. I also see a beautiful love interest played by Cate Blanchett, a feisty woman who can strip a man of his chain mail with the sensitive touch of a milkmaid caressing a tender udder. Ooh, yes. Let’s make sure we show her milking in the soft glow of a pastoral sunrise . . .

"But that’s not all. I also see an epic struggle for power between two brothers: a good brother who follows the warrior’s code and seeks nobility and honesty in his comrades (Richard the Lionheart), and a small-minded egotist riddled with sexual insecurities and a need to prove himself greater than everyone (King John) . . .

"But that’s not all. We’re going to give the viewer a real flavour of what life was like around 1167, because moviegoers just can’t get enough detail when it comes to food, vermin and personal hygiene. Besides, what movie isn’t better with a sepia-toned bar sequence featuring impromptu peasant dancing, Celtic reels, close-ups of rotten-toothed wenches and cameos of Canadian pop stars?

"But wait! There’s more. Beyond this Pogues concert mingling with the likes of Harry Potter, there’s a hint of the Hobbit’s Shire – not to mention a touch of Witness as Crowe’s Robin is forced to share close quarters with a spunky widow.

"Pretty hot, right? But we want people to know this is serious stuff, with lots of earnest history and a sincere view of social justice – and who doesn’t LOVE the Declaration of Independence? All that stuff about men being created equal, pursuit of happiness, etc. . . . I think we can just paraphrase it. After all, we have Brian Helgeland (Mystic River) on board. He’s great! If anyone can rewrite the founding fathers and turn it into screen saccharine, he can!

"But I think we could even do more. That whole bow and arrow thing? Visual gravy! And hey, I think we could spend the first half of the movie just explaining his name –and whether he’s really Robin Longstride or Sir Robert Loxley – because that’s compelling content! I can see you’re getting excited!

"But to top it all off, we need a suitable martyr who will inspire respect and sympathy at the same time. Stand up, Max von Sydow! All those Swedish art films and Bergmanesque moments of ambiguity are over. This time, you can play a kind, and blind, grieving father who is mowed down by the villain. Make ’em cry, Maxie!"

How could the studio resist a package with so many bulges? Scott’s shotgun approach with formula ensured there was a little something for just about everyone in this senseless collection of cliche.

The only thing he didn’t count on was apathy. Robin Hood as a moral force feels entirely limp these days, even if we are – as the taxpaying public – footing the bill for corporate malfeasance and bad management.

Despite endless historical references, gorgeous production values, slick camerawork and special effects, the movie feels entirely hollow. It’s a pretty package with nothing inside because, for all the setup, and laborious introduction of characters, there’s no emotional connection to anyone.

Neither Robin (Crowe) nor Maid Marion (Blanchett) come to life in this plastic landscape of formulaic plot and derivative character, and, as a result, the whole movie collapses in upon itself like an inflatable castle leaking air.

If only the people with the purse strings could look beyond projected revenues, and pull a new arrow from the quiver in their quest to hit the same old marks.