Saturday Night Live poked fun at the last two weeks of U.S. President Donald Trump‘s impeachment trial proceedings with a cold open titled “The trial you wish had happened.”
The sketch, which parodied a trial where witness testimony and new evidence were not voted down, opened with a shot of a court room and a judge.
The judge would be subsequently replaced by Judge Mathis, who is played by SNL cast member Kenan Thompson. Mathis then calls Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell into court.
“Yessssss–Hello I’m sneaky little Mitch your honour,” said McConnell, played by SNL cast member Beck Bennett.
“I just want to remind the American people that all men are innocent after proven guilty.”
Mathis then calls on Trump’s defence, who comes in the form of Senator Lindsey Graham, played by SNL cast member Kate McKinnon.
Graham, who calls himself a “simple country simpleton” said that he studied “this” from top to bottom and doesn’t see any other option, to which Mathis asks him to clarify.
“No I studied my chances of being re-elected, and it ain’t gonna happen until I kiss Mr. Trump’s grits and tickle his biscuits, and that’s why I do declare that Mr. Trump is innocent or my name is not Lindsey Valerie Beauregard Matlock Graham.”
Mathis then calls new witnesses to the stand, because “that’s how a damn trial works.”
“John Bolton, get your Lorax a– in here,” said Mathis, referencing Bolton’s similar appearance to the titular character of the animated film The Lorax.
Bolton, who was Trump’s former national security advisor, was played by SNL cast member Cecily Strong. He said that the things he saw Trump do made him deeply worried about future of democracy.
“And why are you only coming out with this now?” asked the judge.
“Cause I’m a messy b–ch who loves drama,” responded Bolton, who later took a chance to advertise his new book titled Harry Potter and the Room Where It Happened.
McConnell then demands that they hear from Hunter Biden, Joe Biden’s son who is at the centre of Trump’s entire impeachment investigation.
Hunter Biden, who is played by SNL cast member Pete Davidson, promptly rolls into court on a hoverboard.
“The president is just kinda pointing at me to distract from his own crimes,” said Biden.
“I’m on the board of a Brazilian money laundering company called Nepotismo.”
Trump, who is once again played by actor Alec Baldwin, enters the courtroom after being called.
“Your honour I’m a very sick old man, how could I withhold aid from the Ukraine, I can barely get around the house,” said Trump, who had entered clutching a walker with tennis balls on its feet — an obvious jab at Harvey Weinstein’s rape trial where he appeared with a similar pair of walkers and had made the same comments.
Lead Impeachment Manager Adam Schiff also made an appearance, who is played by another SNL cast member Alex Moffat.
Trump, who is coming clean in his closing statements, said that he learned that he would be able to do or say anything without consequence from this trial.
“The call with the Ukraine wasn’t perfect, it was illegal, and frankly it was a butt dial. Also I watch CNN all the time, and it’s awesome. I hate the following states: Iowa, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Arkansas and West Virginia. West Carolina … I’m sorry,” said Trump.
“I cheat all the time at golf, taxes, wives, elections and bathroom scales — I’m not 239 pounds, I’m 475 pounds, and I don’t really need this walker either although it does help me be lazier which I like. What else … oh and I cut the funding to the CDC so this Wang Chung virus is really gonna be bad.”
Comments