WARNING: Graphic language below
Jon Stewart may not be the host of The Daily Show anymore, but he still has pointed (and humorous) thoughts about next week’s U.S. presidential election. His political commentary has been noticeably absent over the past year, and the comedian let loose about Republican candidate Donald Trump at the annual Stand Up for Heroes charity event on Tuesday night.
“To be here tonight with you guys, my heroes, on the eve of the last American election is so exciting,” Stewart said to the Madison Square Garden audience. “I’m not in the game anymore. I’m not as much of a political analyst … but if I could ask you a question that I’ve been saying to my television, it’s ‘What the f**k? What the f**k is going on? What is happening?!'”
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“I thought when a guy got off a bus and says, ‘I’m going to grab her on the p***y,’ then OK, we’re done. The election is over,” Stewart quipped. “Usually that is a signifier that we don’t have to pay attention anymore.”
“Then the FBI jumps in, and all of a sudden there’s a whole new thing … and then it goes back to Anthony Weiner?” Stewart said in an exasperated tone. “This is insane … as a writer, honestly, the first woman president and she’s taken down by Bush and Weiner, like, that’s just bad writing.”
The funnyman also took on Trump’s claims that the system and the election are rigged against him.
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“Dude, you live in a tower with your name on it in gold,” he said. “How well would you be doing if The Man wasn’t keeping you down?”
Given Trump’s history with reality TV and those shows’ propensity to make any competition into a tie, Stewart proposes that’ll be the only outcome in the 2016 presidential race. He even references two of TV’s biggest audience-generators this year: O.J. Simpson and JonBenét Ramsey.
“There’s only one way this election can end, one way — it’s a tie,” he joked. “There’s only one vote to be cast, and they cut away to a white Bronco, driving down the freeway. It’s O.J.! O.J.’s out! And holy s**t, he’s a felon, he’ll never be able to vote.”
“Who’s in the car? It’s JonBenét Ramsey, I can’t believe it!” he continued. “She’s alive! And she gets out, and says, ‘Grab them in the p***y, that was enough for me, I had to get up and vote.'”
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Stewart retired from his Daily Show hosting duties in August 2015, and was replaced by comedian Trevor Noah — but he doesn’t miss political analysis, calling it “turd-mining.”
The sometime director appeared on Late Night With Stephen Colbert in July, saying to Trump: “I see you, and I see your bulls**t.”
He closed his 15-minute set by advising the crowd to “vote wisely on November 8.”
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