WATCH ABOVE: Mark Carcasole talks to Drew Dunning about his effort to “Unmask PTSD.” Dunning hopes that speaking out about his experience will help others do the same.
The note Drew Dunning posted on Facebook last weekend tells a powerful story.
Underneath a black and white photograph of Dunning, the note begins, “This is one face of PTSD. There are many more out there like me and they need help.”
READ MORE: 16×9 looks at the the PTSD crisis among Canada’s first responders
Dunning’s story is one of struggle with post traumatic stress disorder built over the last decade of a 15-year career as a Toronto police officer. Dunning worked in multiple divisions and with the Toronto Anti-Violence Intervention Strategy and the Homicide Squad.
His Facebook post also details his road to recovery—a story that almost had a tragic ending.
It was a year ago that Dunning sat in his cruiser, gun in hand, contemplating suicide. In tears, he made what he thought would be his last phone call to his wife.
“I was calling to say goodbye,” he says. He had made up his mind.
“I’d been dealing with this for so long that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I just was at the end of my rope and I’d just decided that that was the day.”
Dunning’s suicide attempt was halted by what he calls a “stroke of fate.” A fellow officer pulled into the division parking lot beside him, Dunning said, “and I said to myself that I can’t do to them what’s happened to me. And that was a turning point.”
To this day, Dunning says that officer still doesn’t realize that they inadvertently saved Dunning’s life.
Dunning sought help that day, immediately seeing his doctor.
His appearance has changed over the last year. The formerly clean-shaven, baby-faced officer now sports a large, shaggy beard that he calls his “mask.” At first, it was because he didn’t have the energy to shave. But it eventually came to represent more.
“It became a really big manifestation of what was going on in my head,” says Dunning. “When I didn’t want to answer questions, when I didn’t want to talk with people about what was going on with me.”
Now he’s ready to take off his mask.
If his Facebook post gets 10,000 likes, Dunning says he’ll shave the beard. It would be a new beginning for him, and a gesture he hopes will encourage others to drop their own masks and get help. He calls his effort “#UnmaskPTSD.
“There’s no reason to wait,” Dunning says. “All the reasons that I didn’t come forward: fear of repercussions, fear of the stigma, fear of not getting the support I need are totally unfounded. When I came forward, everyone was there to help me.”
Dunning admits his personal recovery hasn’t been easy. He relies on a strong support base, including United by Trauma and its Ernie’s Journey program, which provides service dogs for first responders living with PTSD.
The organization’s co-founder James Ward says it’s a wonder what a little companionship can do.
“Dogs are smarter than humans. They don’t judge. They’re there for you, and they understand,” Ward said.
Dunning’s 10-month-old chocolate Lab, Marshall, is a key part of his recovery. Dunning feeds Marshall treats from his pocket as the dog stays at his side throughout our entire interview.
Like other dogs trained in the program, Marshall is named after an officer who lost his battle with PTSD. OPP Sgt. Doug Marshall killed himself two years ago.
READ MORE: How to get help if you or someone you know has PTSD
Sgt. Marshall’s picture hangs near the front door in Dunning’s home, beside a photo of Marshall the dog as a puppy. Dunning sees it every day.
Also by his side day and night is his wife Wendy Bowden, whom he also credits with saving his life—the one he called when he was ready to end it all that day, and the one who has worked with him the closest on his road to recovery.
“It can be difficult,” she says about helping her husband. “But it would be far more difficult to not have him here. So I’m very grateful that he’s here with us.”
Bowden says every day is different. “He has some really good days where I see Drew being Drew, and he has some other days when he’s not having a good day, and he needs that help.” She says the more treatment her husband gets, the more “good days” they have.
Dunning has years of therapy ahead, but it’s a challenge he’s ready to rise to.
He says the supportive comments he has received on Facebook over the last week have lifted him just as much as the initial posting was meant to do for others.
“When people are saying ‘stay strong,’ and they show their support through those comments, it’s absolutely incredible,” says Dunning.
“It makes me realize that I’ve done the right thing here.”
At least 46 first responders and military personnel committed suicide in 2014. The latest numbers from the Tema Conter Memorial Trust say four first responders and one member of the military have committed suicide so far this year.
The added focus on the issue of first responder PTSD has led the provincial government to schedule a summit on the topic on March 5. Several experts in the field will gather to discuss best practices, though the province is not bound to commit to any decisions or action after the summit.
If you, a family member or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, or you believe they may be suffering from severe depression and/or anxiety, there are many organizations available to help including the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention. A lengthy list can be found here.
This post has been updated.
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