After Hours: Three words you can’t say on television

More accurately, the three words that News  Hour Final’s Heather Steele WON’T say on television

DEREK: Are there really three non-George Carlin words that you will not say on television?

HEATHER: That is true.

Really. Okay, what are they?

Moist, ointment and the word panties. I hate the word panties.  Hate it.

Ointment is pretty straightforward. You have a rash, you would put an ointment on it and it would improve.  What is wrong with the word ointment?

It’s just an ugly word and I don’t like it. Ointment … it just sounds so gross. There’s nothing rational about any of this stuff.

Did you have a bad experience with an ointment? Calamine got to you? 

No, it’s the word.

If you had a muscle strain you would rub some ointment on it.

I’ll call it a gel or a rub or something even if it’s not completely accurate just so I can avoid that word.

The word moist then … what’s that about? If a cake is so nice (insert joyous expression of delectability), it’s not moist?

These are things that are not rational. I recognize there are words in the English language that are used for very specific scenarios. But I won’t use that word.

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Moist and ointment have the same ‘oi’ combination. Is that it?

I don’t think so because you started giving me examples like coin and …

Foibles.

Yeah, which I also don’t use. But not because I think it’s ugly. It just doesn’t sneak its way into the conversation very often. And yeah, the word panties, I don’t know why but I just hate that word.

Now when did you start hating the word panties? All your life or recently?

I think as long as I can remember.

Really? What did you call them as a kid then?

Undies. Because that’s what my mom called them, I don’t know. Panties, to me … you know the babies’ ones with the ruffles on the bum? Those you can call panties. I feel like those are (panties). Everything else … just don’t call them that.

It seems girls’ underwear and boys’ underwear — for kids — they’re different, but they serve the same purpose. Yet we have distinctly different words for them. 

(laughs) I love that you’re trying to figure this out.

I don’t know why we would have different words — to make girls more special or boys more special, whatever it is. We don’t need two words for them.

You don’t have a word you can’t stand?

No. I’m fine with just about everything. I’m easy like Sunday morning. 

Uh huh. Uh huh. That’s how I describe you.

I’m sure there are words that, when I see them on the teleprompter, I change them in my mind because they’re so …

They’re not words you say.

Yeah, exactly. Or I hate them.

So when you think of the president of CUPE, if you guys were buddies, he wouldn’t be Paul Moist, he’d be “my friend Paul M”?

Unfortunately if that’s his name, I’d have to call him that. Maybe “M-dog”.

—————

The words Heather will use instead of:

Ointment: cream, treatment, gel, Polysporin

Moist: damp (humidity), delicious (cake)

Panties: “I just wonder why on earth I’d be talking about that on the news.”

Phrases Derek will change if he sees them on the prompter:

85 years young: “I think he/she is old enough that they’ve had enough patronizing in his/her lifetime.”

… lost his battle with: “Death is a part of life. Do we really need seven euphemisms for it?”

…tied 2-2: “To me this is redundantly saying something twice.”