‘I’m still a mom’: After daughter was stillborn, Surrey woman wants to help others

Alison Murray was only two weeks away from her due date when she realized she hadn’t felt her baby kick in the past few days.

After going to Peace Arch Hospital to find out if anything was wrong, the ultrasound technician told her the worst news possible.

“Your baby is dead.”

Murray doesn’t know what happened to her baby – she did not have a complicated pregnancy and everything seemed to be going fine.

But now she was faced with being induced to give birth to a baby she wouldn’t be able to take home.

“It was my first child,” said Murray. “For the previous nine months I was terrified of giving birth anyways, but the fact that there wasn’t a reward at the end of it was horrifying to me.”

Murray said she was told to go home and wait for her labour to begin. But her home was filled with baby stuff and clothes, only deepening her pain.

“I came home and the house was all ready to bring a baby home,” she said. “It was really kind of a horrible experience.”

READ MORE: ‘Every parent’s worst nightmare’: Breaking the silence on stillbirths

When she went back to the hospital the next morning, she wasn’t in labour, but she asked the staff not to send her home.

Murray’s daughter Stella Charlotte was born Jan. 21, 2013.

“The doctor who delivered her was amazing,” she said. “She made it into a very positive experience for me.” She said she was glad about this because some of the doctors and staff she had dealt with previously had not had the best bedside manner.

“To me, within an hour of being told that my baby is dead is not the right time to talk about my next baby,” said Murray, speaking about a hospital staff member who had come to see her after being told Stella had died.

Fraser Health says they aim to to provide “uncompromising care” for patients that results in a positive experience, even in such heartbreaking and traumatic moments.

They also offer perinatal loss education sessions to staff, and all nurses who deliver babies.

READ MORE: Stillbirth and infant loss: Your stories

Murray said she regrets not authorizing an autopsy to be done on Stella, but she was so overwhelmed and so emotional that she couldn’t think straight and could only think that she didn’t want them touching her baby. Given another chance, she would have had an autopsy performed because it may have given some clue as to why Stella died.

Photos courtesy of Alison Murray – Some images may be uncomfortable for some viewers.

But now she is focusing her attention and efforts on helping others who find themselves in the same traumatic situation that she did.

Murray held a fundraiser to raise money for a Cuddle Cot (also known as a Cooling Cot) for Peace Arch Hospital. She reached her donation and will be delivering the device to the hospital later today.

A Cuddle Cot is a device that keeps the deceased baby cool, allowing the family to spend more time with the baby.

Murray and her family had about 24 hours with Stella before she had to be taken away. Murray said she is lucky that she got to stay and cuddle her daughter and have a photographer come from the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.

Those photographs are now her most treasured possession.

READ MORE: ‘He’s still here in spirit’: Fathers open up about the loss of their children

Murray quit her job at the beginning of this year to realize her dream of becoming an artist and now she is using art as a theme for her fundraiser. The Art Wars event will consist of live painting by-up-and-coming artists while guests can eat, drink and mingle. Each artist has 30 minutes to paint and when the time is up, the guests can vote on a winner and then bid on their favourite paintings.

Murray said now she just wants to be the type of mom that Stella deserved. “She’s a huge part of my life,” she said. “I have her name tattooed over my heart. Her footprints are tattooed on my feet so everywhere I go, she goes with me.”

I’m still her mom and I’m still a mom, even though society doesn’t view me that way.

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Murray would also like to help set up a volunteer group of bereaved parents so that other parents have people to talk to who know the level of pain and suffering that comes from losing a child.

She said she found that others who are not part of ‘the club’ do not understand.

“People have to view our children as real babies,” she said. “In one moment it’s all taken away from you. It’s so important, in my opinion, to keep them alive. Whether they die when they were born or when they’re 10 years old, you’re still losing a child.”

“It needs to be treated that way and it just isn’t.”