‘It’s very painful to come in here’: Canadian philanthropist shares memories of his sons (Part 2 of 3)

Click here to read Part 1 of this series.

As Canadian philanthropist Tom Budd struggles to come to terms with the loss of his two sons to suicide, he has opened the doors to his home for the first time, sharing some of the most intimate parts of his life in hopes of helping others out there struggling with their own demons.

The grieving father still lives in the same house that bears the memories of his sons, Dillon and Payton.

“I know people that have had to sell the house right away,” Budd said. “Either they wanted to or everyone told them it’s what they’re supposed to do, and they did. I know people that had to change cities where their kids have passed away.”

For Budd, the thought of selling the home and moving on is unbearable.

“I can’t leave here. I don’t even like sleeping at somebody else’s house. This is where my kids lived. This is where I feel,” Budd said. “This is where I think of them, and to sell the home that they grew up in seems like a disservice. Like I’m abandoning them, forgetting them.”

Budd has been fighting to survive the heartbreaking deaths of Dillon, 13, and Payton, 18, for almost two years.

“There’s no karma. There’s no big plan,” Budd said. “If Payton knew I felt this bad, he wouldn’t have killed himself and neither would Dillon. Nobody wants to hurt people, but my dad hurts, my sister hurts. Why are they going through it? Two of Payton’s friends have been in counselling because they’re depressed so why do they have to go through it? I make the best of it I can.”

Budd has been working on opening up and sharing with others as part of his healing.

This includes the tangible exercise of showing his sons’ memorabilia and even their bedrooms, memorialized exactly as the teenagers had left them.

“This is Dillon’s room,” Budd said, adding that he doesn’t come into the room very often. “It’s very painful to come in here.”

The room is full of youthful knick-knacks: a stuffed animal in the shape of a cow, a couple of guitars acquired by the young music lover.

“This is how the room was, and I just left it like this,” Budd said, unable to hold back tears. “I miss him. I miss him a lot. Wish he was here.”

The hallway is filled with family photos, memories of the days when the youngest members of the Budd family were alive and thriving.

“My mom died before Dillon. You look for the blessings,” Budd said. “If she was alive when he died, she wouldn’t have made it. It would have killed my mom.”

Budd shakes his head looking at the photos, still unable to believe the tragedy that has unfolded in the last four years.

“We were a close family. We all did lots of stuff together. You’d never think this family was going to have to deal with two suicides,” Budd said. “My sister lost her two nephews, my dad lost his two grandsons. He hates seeing me cry. They worry about me (dying by) suicide.”

“I imagine the neighbourhood does. I’m told people walk around keeping an eye on me. I matter. It’s touching.”

And then onto Payton’s room, who passed away less than two years ago.

“I still can’t believe it. I expect him to come walking home,” said Budd, looking around the room.

There are papers on the nightstand, copies of pages from Payton’s diary, which was found immediately after his death.

“Those are pages that I used for my own counselling. My brother-in-law found the diary within two hours of finding the body,” Budd said. “The diary had entries of depression and suicide and life not having meaning.”

Budd added that, a week before Payton’s death, one of Dillon’s friends came to speak with him.

He had reached out to me for help because he had thought about suicide, Budd recalls. “And Payton loved that I did that type of stuff. Payton saw what I did in the community, and he always wanted me to talk about it.”

When asked if that young man was still alive, Budd broke down and answered: “Yeah. Mine’s dead, and that kid is alive. I can’t make sense of it some days.”

It has taken almost two years of work, pain and struggle, but Budd is now coming out of the darkness.

Now, the philanthropist is hoping to help others — he shares how in the final third segment in the story of Tom Budd.

Where to get help
If you or someone you know is in crisis and needs help, resources are available. In case of an emergency, please call 911 for immediate help.
The Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention, Depression Hurts and Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868 all offer ways of getting help if you, or someone you know, may be suffering from mental health issues.