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ANALYSIS: How to scare Ontario’s political leaders

Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne talks to media after appearing as a witness in the Election Act bribery trial in Sudbury, Ontario, Wednesday, Sept. 13, 2017.
Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne talks to media after appearing as a witness in the Election Act bribery trial in Sudbury, Ontario, Wednesday, Sept. 13, 2017. THE CANADIAN PRESS/Sean Kilpatrick

As the ghosts and goblins make their way from home to home this week, every so often there will be a truly frightening costume that darkens the door.

Experienced trick-or-treaters know it takes planning, but when done right you can scare a homeowner into dumping an extra handful of treats into your outstretched pillowcases.

We all have deep-rooted fears, some rational, some just plain weird.

For example, I am terrified of opossums.

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I’ve come to an uneasy truce with the raccoons living under my back deck, but ever since an opossum scampered past one evening, I’ve essentially become a shut in. Those beady eyes and rat-like tail are the stuff of my nightmares, so to avoid screaming like Ned Flanders I surrender my backyard to lurking marsupials once the sun sets.

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But that’s me.

Ontario’s politicians have their own fears and phobias, so if you’re looking to scare the bejabbers out of a party leader this Halloween, here is a handy costume guide.

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If your trick-or-treating takes you to Don Valley West and the door of Premier Kathleen Wynne, don some binoculars and tape quarters and dimes to your arms.

When the Premier inquires what you are supposed to be, shout: “I’M LOOKING FOR CHANGE!”

Before you can say ‘activist government,’ the door will slam, the lights will flick off and your loot bag will be overflowing with kale chips.

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If you happen to be in Hamilton on October 31st and in NDP leader Andrea Horwath’s neighbourhood, you should put on a tweed suit jacket with ‘Rhodes Scholar’ written on the elbow patches and a pair of giant glasses similar to ones worn by the character Bubbles on Trailer Park Boys.

When Ms. Horwath asks hesitantly who you are supposed to be, whisper ‘NDP Premier Bob Rae’ and watch her eyes widen with horror. She’ll hand you all the sugar-free hard candy you can carry plus her Unicef collection box just to make you go away.

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Lastly, if you find yourself in PC leader Patrick Brown’s Barrie-area riding of Simcoe North, you’ll need to work a little harder.

You’ll need a slightly too large suit and loosely knotted necktie, like a sporty college student applying for their first banking job.

Put a whack of gel in your hair and nervous smile on your face.

When Brown inquires what you are supposed to be, stand tall and say ‘Patrick Brown, federal Conservative MP.”

Faster than you can abandon a conviction, the decorations will come down and the jack o’ lanterns will be extinguished. You won’t get any candy though.

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Just a note saying Brown hasn’t decided what treat to give out yet, but mark his words it won’t be kale chips!

Now if you’ll excuse me, there seems to be a giant opossum holding a loot bag at my front door.

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