My previous two blogs provided some insights into the maddening and harmful tactics of “the most dangerous liars.” The first of those blogs explained that such liars often display traits of (malignant) narcissism, anti-social personality disorder, psychopathy or sociopathy.
The preceding terms often get tossed around amongst the general public, which has contributed to a lot of confusion and misunderstanding. Even experts disagree about the similarities and differences among these personality types, with some researchers and clinicians trying to break each one down into various sub-types. Although readers would do well to educate themselves on these dangerous personality styles (including the less devastating forms of narcissism), the key point is that they all seem to share the following destructive traits and behaviours:
– being amoral, immoral, unethical, dishonest, deceptive, manipulative and exploitative
– possessing no conscience or genuine sense of guilt and remorse
– lacking the capacity for empathy or compassion toward other people
– having little concern or regard for the perspectives and well-being of others
– seeing other people only as tools to be used to gratify their own selfish needs and desires
– avoiding taking true (if any) responsibility for their actions
What also needs to be considered is that these characteristics are shared by another group who are not necessarily “bad people”: individuals in the throes of addiction.
Since some people might argue that their own or a loved one’s behaviours do not constitute an addiction or make them addicts, they should not get hung up on these words (which are used here for the sake of simplicity). Instead, they should honestly consider whether their use of substances–or other behaviours such as gambling, internet use, eating, sex, etc–is feeling like it is something they must do, causing them distress, getting out of control, leading to poor judgment, impairing their functioning in some way, and/or having a negative impact on the people in their life.
Addicts will frequently lie, make excuses for their actions, offer vague or insincere apologies, manipulate and exploit the people around them, etc, with seemingly no concern for the impact that their behaviours have on themselves or others. Indeed, people struggling with addictions can sometimes seem nearly identical to narcissists or even sociopaths.
For instance, addicts sometimes end up fabricating things to the point that they may seem delusional. Or, the person being lied to might feel that the addict thinks they are stupid or naïve, given how unlikely, ridiculous or obviously untrue their excuses and falsehoods can be. Sadly, addicts often believe their own wishful thinking, especially when it comes to telling themselves that they can control or handle their problematic behaviours—even as all of the evidence around them indicates otherwise.
Many addicts also compartmentalize their thoughts, feelings and experiences, which enables them to say or do something sincerely and persuasively to one person, only to go back on their word or to say something very different even seconds later or to someone else. Some addicts are so good at compartmentalizing (which is not necessarily a bad trait) that they can function well in certain areas of their life, such as work, while other areas begin to crumble around them. Being able to maintain one aspect of their life can ironically end up hurting them because it feeds into their belief that they can manage their addiction; it also makes it easier for the people around them to convince themselves that everything is okay–that the addict really isn’t doing so badly.
Helping addicts
Because many addicts were known as “good people” before their cravings and behaviours began to spiral out of control, their loved ones usually want to believe their denials, minimizing, excuses, apologies and promises to change; they also want to help out however they can, for instance by giving the addict money, covering up for them, bailing them out, etc. They do not realize that they are actually fueling the addict’s self-destruction because they are helping prevent the person from either hitting rock bottom or getting close enough that they are finally motivated to genuinely turn things around completely so that they don’t lose everything that is important to them.
When addicts truly hit rock bottom, they can at first look like dangerous personality types who realize that they are finally at the end of the line with respect to a serious lie or scheme; they are in deep trouble with absolutely no way out. At this point, both the addicts and lethal liars typically feel as if their entire world is imploding or collapsing beneath them. They can experience a severe destabilization or disintegration of their sense of self. They might temporarily lose the capacity to form coherent sentences or even words. Depending on the person’s character, their circumstances and the people around them, they might engage in one final act of monumental self-destruction and/or lash out terribly at the people in their life.
It is usually soon after this deterioration that people with addictions can be distinguished from those with harmful personality disorders (unless the addict also happens to have one of these personality styles, which is in fact relatively common). Whereas addicts who are truly prepared to change at this point will often feel a huge burden lifted from their shoulders and experience a sense of “rebirth” or “reawakening,” lethal liars will eventually recompose themselves and try to resume their manipulative and exploitative ways. Whereas such addicts will display a significant and lasting change in their demeanour–often in the form of genuine humility, respect and appreciation toward others–any supposed contrition from lethal liars is only a facade that can quickly begin to crack once they feel things are not going their way.
The bottom line is that addicts who are fully committed to helping themselves and are at the point where they will make every effort to do so can benefit from the right kind support from their loved ones. When it comes to those with the most harmful personalities, however, the best course of action is usually to run like hell and not look back; anyone hoping to help such dangerous individuals is advised to help and protect him/herself first. Education and reality should trump fantasy. And, as mentioned previously, recording devices should replace misplaced good intentions. (If anyone doubts the legality of secretly recording one’s own conversations, please read this information carefully, especially the parts about Sections 184(2)(a) and 183.1 of the Criminal Code of Canada.)
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