To the young lady giving out my number …

… please stop.

I understand that maybe you didn’t know how to get out of a conversation with a young suitor last week. But the random digits you played him off with were actually my work phone number. It’s been a little disturbing.

The following should not have been seen by bleary eyes at three in the morning.

*Names, numbers and shirtless photos have been changed to protect the innocent and the randy

So I wake up, I’m having my Raisin Bran and I notice this text:

So I look at the text and wonder, “Is this a prank?” But I don’t recognize the number, and it doesn’t seem like this is going to be some sort of scam.

This young man is very forward with the opening line. Even moreso with the followup:

Well well. That dude is shirtless.

So what’s my role here? I feel like I should let him know that this is a wrong number so he doesn’t always wonder about “that girl he met at the bar.” But then, he texted me a shirtless pic. I can’t let that go unpunished.

So, while I was at dinner with my wife and in-laws that night, I responded with a pic of my own.

I think this is accurate. Like Pepsi I’m sweet and (some would say) bubbly.

It didn’t go over real well.

I wrote this curious if I could get some more details of the flaxen-haired beauty that he met the night before.

Fail.

Now we need some shock value. So I grabbed a photo of Manitoba Bison linebacker Thomas Miles and sent it back:

I think the luxurious beard made the point:

He didn’t respond, so I don’t think he got my “Go Sox!!” joke. (It was the hat he was wearing)

Now that’s fine. Stuff like this happens. Maybe she gave him the right number and he punched it into his phone wrong. Perhaps it’s a great tragedy that these two true loves will never meet again.

Or, y’know … not so much.

This morning, I learn this young lady was at it again.  This showed up on my drive to work:

Oh boy. She does not like the guys that she ends up talking to.

I figure I should make this one quick and painless. After all, I have Jets highlights to cut:

Now the pic:

He tries to save face, but he’s done:

To the young lady … I understand. There aren’t a lot of guys out there. Subtract the ones that come strong out of the gate with a shirtless pic, and there’s even fewer. I get it.

But please, if he’s not the one, just tell him you’re not interested. My eyes can never unsee this:

Sincerely, 

Derek